| entries | profile | affiliates | tagboard | plugboard | site |

i waited and i waited..

i waited and i waited..

still no sign of my ppt slides..

so how on earth am i gg to produce a speech..

arrgh..

and i hate myself.. why cant i have a normal life.. aiyo.. the appearance of this someone has really create quite a havoc in my life..

like my previous entry i really hate myself..

...

yar.. its jus like wad a gf of mine was saying, the need for attention and affection, yet the refusal of being more 'open'.. i think its a matter of having this anti social freak in my mind.. i hate to be 'ta haha-ing' (meaning trying to show that i am ok with everything and jus smile and try to be miss nice).. but i think i am learning that.. its sort of a no choice thing.. its part of our life skill education.. i wanna be in my comfort zone, being organized, knowing wad will happen, predict my future, work from there onwards.. i dun wan the 'what if 'i only wan the 'know how' but its never possible isnt it..

...

god could have easily took away my life then, but it gave me back.. i wanna to be my best.. who in the world know how much i have been through.. its not kind of suffering.. but its jus something quite freaky.. maybe its right.. i shouldnt be trying my best to explain to others.. but i am jus 'yeah yeah weak?' i cant get myself to say that either.. i wanna to studyhard, have good job, pretty children and travel around.. i still wanna have a life.. and i know i can have that..

jus when i told for the few weeks that hey i have grown up quite a lot this time round.. knowing the importance of studying.. being immuned and unaffected by the surrounding.. being a survivor of this ugly society.. i was wronged.. i am still being affected.. i need the care and the concern.. i still like being in my comfort zone.. i still like my little shell, i still prefer my home and my loved ones..

...

then sometimes i like shutting myself up.. its the kind of comfort that i find leaving sometime for myself.. its the feeling of not being important to exist anymore.. its abt nobody realising i am gone.. i know i am weird.. but at least i understand this side of myself.. a fren once told be.. being like this i have no worries of slipping into depression, but i have trouble getting myself right.. really?

...

i guessed the thing now is jus a matter of hating myself for being silly and stupid.. slowlyi will then become used to it? maybe.. but i jus wan the kinda comfort life i wanted .. i dun wanna think much but again i am alr doing so...

BUT one thing for sure.. i am glad that the puking urge is more or less gone.. leaving only with the spinning headache..

...

i wished i could get myself to a beach or something, somewhere sunny, somewhere windy, somewhere quiet, somewhere i know i will enjoy.. the kind of place that is for me, the kind of place that i like.. being quiet, enjoying and not thinking of anything else.. or jus finding someone to talk to.. maybe there isnt a need for someone.. something or a paper will do the work.. i really need these kind of things now..

...

or maybe a little travelling to the other end of the world...

i waited and i waited..

i waited and i waited..

still no sign of my ppt slides..

so how on earth am i gg to produce a speech..

arrgh..

and i hate myself.. why cant i have a normal life.. aiyo.. the appearance of this someone has really create quite a havoc in my life..

like my previous entry i really hate myself..

...

yar.. its jus like wad a gf of mine was saying, the need for attention and affection, yet the refusal of being more 'open'.. i think its a matter of having this anti social freak in my mind.. i hate to be 'ta haha-ing' (meaning trying to show that i am ok with everything and jus smile and try to be miss nice).. but i think i am learning that.. its sort of a no choice thing.. its part of our life skill education.. i wanna be in my comfort zone, being organized, knowing wad will happen, predict my future, work from there onwards.. i dun wan the 'what if 'i only wan the 'know how' but its never possible isnt it..

...

god could have easily took away my life then, but it gave me back.. i wanna to be my best.. who in the world know how much i have been through.. its not kind of suffering.. but its jus something quite freaky.. maybe its right.. i shouldnt be trying my best to explain to others.. but i am jus 'yeah yeah weak?' i cant get myself to say that either.. i wanna to studyhard, have good job, pretty children and travel around.. i still wanna have a life.. and i know i can have that..

jus when i told for the few weeks that hey i have grown up quite a lot this time round.. knowing the importance of studying.. being immuned and unaffected by the surrounding.. being a survivor of this ugly society.. i was wronged.. i am still being affected.. i need the care and the concern.. i still like being in my comfort zone.. i still like my little shell, i still prefer my home and my loved ones..

...

then sometimes i like shutting myself up.. its the kind of comfort that i find leaving sometime for myself.. its the feeling of not being important to exist anymore.. its abt nobody realising i am gone.. i know i am weird.. but at least i understand this side of myself.. a fren once told be.. being like this i have no worries of slipping into depression, but i have trouble getting myself right.. really?

...

i guessed the thing now is jus a matter of hating myself for being silly and stupid.. slowlyi will then become used to it? maybe.. but i jus wan the kinda comfort life i wanted .. i dun wanna think much but again i am alr doing so...

BUT one thing for sure.. i am glad that the puking urge is more or less gone.. leaving only with the spinning headache..

...

i wished i could get myself to a beach or something, somewhere sunny, somewhere windy, somewhere quiet, somewhere i know i will enjoy.. the kind of place that is for me, the kind of place that i like.. being quiet, enjoying and not thinking of anything else.. or jus finding someone to talk to.. maybe there isnt a need for someone.. something or a paper will do the work.. i really need these kind of things now..

...

or maybe a little travelling to the other end of the world...