a little girl in her own world...

2010-05-27T11:54:00.002+08:00

was just wondering if this job is draining my time dry. so soon it's now gg to be promotion time. I wanted to take down all the special moments in my life after i graduate by it seem like a lack of time and efforts on my part.

I am trying hard to get every memory down either in paper or on screen but it seem that getting a few minutes or just half an hr off to write is a little tiring... ok if anyone see this, it vv much an excuse. i will pen it down dilligently starting erm next month... and i much work out my expenditures. the peak season is drying me up financially ever since i decided nt to be niao and splurge a little just to make me happier..:X

i am been working vv hard at work, but neglecting the part on relationship maintenance. maybe i should start working bit by bit... and getting the so called balance. the few thing that definitely make me happy till date joining the firm would be: exposure, trust and belief, peers...

update in a new tone and mood soon...

2010-03-23T13:44:00.002+08:00

i tot maybe i should maintain this place a little..

i cant rmb this will be the no. what client I am working on.. but audit is really draining.. i mean besides that fact that u find zero motivation in waking up to do exercise.. i think the best thing for me now is to be doing up some plan for what i wanna do in the future..

i am nt really sure abt what's in it for me in this line. when u are neither up nor down in a profession, u are uncertain of whats the ultimate goals set up for you. when u see ppl leaving, closed or not, u tend to feel the sense of nobelonging since there is no more familiar faces ard.

then at home, u realised that u havent been giving in much and that slowly u are becoming a loner packing and leaving for work in less than 8 hrs of presence at home.. u will loss yrself cos what u have is only weekends for yr loved ones and some extra sleep to catch...

whats life and whats in it for u? is this even fulfilling in any way?

i really dun think so..

maybe its time for ME to do something abt it.

take a short time off wrk now and source for some extra activities to spice up my life..

2010-03-08T22:36:00.001+08:00

i know it alr 2 months...

but something really worth posting...

TODAY I LEFT MY CLIENT'S PLACE WHEN THE SKY IS STILL BRIGHT & SUNNY!

nope i didnt take half day leave, nope i dint take mc,

and yes! it's just plain knocking off early

woolala....

2010-01-02T16:04:00.001+08:00

2010 is finally here...

wishes for the year? hmm.. dun feel like doing it up now.

may all be well.. day one was good, today nt really...

but i PROMISE the rest will be good. :)

2009-12-06T10:41:00.002+08:00

the dnd night is now over...

it has been a hectic yet meaningful week..

my current job marks the start of my heathcare industry marathon and after which it will be a big company. sometimes i feel that it kinda sucks when u see so many of yr fellow peers leaving and at the same time see yr clients being freakingly irresponsible. worst of all, is when u realised that u have total no control over when u are getting the information since u are in a pile of mess...

friday was unit event - paintball and christmas dinner. paintball is extremely fun and it's really a game of strategy, mind and guts. whooping fun for the last run and its really a matter of learning how to work in a team and striving for the survival..

dinner at whatever the place is called wasnt vv heavenly... its at sembawang and some sort of a yacht club thingy. the sashimi was rather bad (cos all G2s agreed that its smoked salmon BUT the thing is it must have been smoked using cigarettes rather then the usual spices and stuff.) the wasabi tasted powdery and the only nice item would have been the soft shell crab..

i am now working on the stocktake working paper for the stock take conducted yesterday before dnd.. how sad.. it was a efficient one so in the end, we didn't manage to get to be treated with free lunch. so we went to have lunch at bugis, did a 'little' shopping for a friend.. rushed home and out again for the dnd.

good announcement was made for everyone and all the changes made to salaries and stuff are now being adjusted. wonder how much of it will affect me but nevertheless, if there is any incentives it's still better than having nothing! food was average with the first dish the best.. saw and observed many diff kind of people ard and realised that alcohol can really do WONDER. heard quite a bit from anna too.. and yup.. well well.. hmmm...

i will be celebrating my first birthday with KP. and my birthday wishes are blah blah blah...

on a side note, the things that have been done.. i am trying to sort it out.. I seriously think its a curse, a fated curse. dammit.

I will make a wish and maybe get a little birthday cake for myself. maybe.. dunno why am i so emo-ed.

2009-11-26T23:57:00.000+08:00

nice friends plus good talk..

i believe in god-send and fate.

2009-11-22T13:32:00.002+08:00

more news of people leaving..

was it because of the saying that the grass is greener on the other side? I am not vv sure abt it. but for now, i am still alright, not sure abt it when my core job starts next week. till now there is still no news or instructions for me. i dun quite like the idea of it..

just finish typing the planning doc. maybe they should jus implement things like if u dun upload new and updated versions of working paper, u will be fined 50 bucks. Haha.. cos its simply the case when we see the extra effort needed to retype and re-enter all the nitty gritty stuff. a little waste of time.

next year, we are gg to start e aud. so will it be very much more time consuming? i truly think so. maybe all of us should get a change of laptop to become tablet! then things will be easier. damn, i should have made that wish then with the meteor.

nice fellow peers ard, missed sch a little.

work is work after all.

oh ya, spent a bomb yesterday buying some clothes and accessories. work huh.. no choice leh. this is the message i keep telling myself.

sitex is coming. i wanna have some fun, anyone wanna go to the zoo, night safari, all the possible singapore attractions with me every weekends?

then i will start planning an oversea trip le. not sure with who, but i am sure i will be gg somewhere. *if time permits* and *if my pocket agrees*

off for some serious ironing!

what's wrong with me

2009-11-19T14:31:00.004+08:00

been at this new job for quite some time, a month and a half.

and believe it one of us (fellow g2) are leaving..

some people are unhappy..

as for me, i am not vv sure.

here i am at joo koon, far away from home. raining quite badly outside. lunch was sandwiches.

a little tired.

but at least i saw the meteor, not many, but was happy. thankful for the suggestions.

thankful for some friends to be ard w me.

i know the sequence of sentence are screwed up.

guess what, i just lost my memory a second ago. blanked out. and i guessed what, i said shit to myself, and sadly in front of the client. i was really so anxious abt getting some brainwave back into my mind.

damn. real desparate.

i dunno what's wrong with me.

i am feeling too neutral about everything that i fear that i am immuned.

like a robot.

what's wrong or was it jus a little mood swing in the middle of the ever raining week.

2009-10-21T21:15:00.001+08:00

work start for a few weeks le...

tmr last day of training..

next week.. first case...

met my PM..

lots of details will update again...

2009-09-30T14:00:00.002+08:00

been quite some time i have been blogging...

tmr marks the start of my permanent job at one of the big4, wondering what will it be like. excited? ehem... ya. worried? yeah! wonder how will the ppl be there like? backstabber ard? probably yes, whenever there are humans ard.. BUT nevertheless i pray hard for nice seniors and managers and of cos, nice fellow team mates. and i pray for good working hrs.. and one day we will be able to claim OT! haha...

yesterday was a bad night, i keep waking up sweating all over, guess i am a little heaty and yup... too much rubbish-hy worries in my little brain. well well, tmr will be a great start i hope. i am like one of the smallest roles in office starting tmr, i wont have much say and even more so when it comes to the control i have over what i wanna do. it will be the situation whereby i will have to slowly make my way up to and work day in day out till where i can bring myself to..

then i tried to work out my expenses and stuf.. wee.. suddenly i realized i cant be really counting up to two digits like i used to. the monthly expenses that i have to keep up to is no longer the one hundred dollars i could survive on ever since jc days. back then, a hundred bucks could last me for a month, and sometimes i could even save 20 dollars out of the hundreds. i could rush home for lunch or dinner and transport is a mere 55cents per trip. i can choose to eat canteen food over hawker or taht hawker food is only 2 dollrs max. however, now its no longer the case. mum told be i will be vv unhappy if i cont to see money as what i am doing now. cos when u work, u have to spend! i mean i know all these but i am a 'stingy pok' when i need to spend on myself. seriously... even my senior back at KLP keep telling me taht the fact that i keep having 20 bucks in my pocket for a working adult will drive u nuts. HAHA..

everything is gonna be a new challenge, a new start and as for my personal life, a very new beginning... hopeing for the best.

my wishlist never ends, now i understand why handbags, clothes, shoes, facial products are women best friends. but first of all..u need money to have those! yup!

good luck for tmr and the days to come at KPMG!

2009-08-11T15:00:00.003+08:00

kite flying with BOD was fun. so fun that we went back with 8 + 1 kites. -.-

haha..

sch started today for ntu and nus. for once it starts on the same week. BUT the recess week is DIFFERENT. so angry. which means all my plans to meet the guys and girls... are gone. no more trip or chalet. so sad. :(

i miss sch. miss sch all of a sudden.

being alone at KLP is like so sad suddenly. note is KLP, not KP, not KPMG. i am worried i didnt received any letter from KP. hope they get back to me soon.

grad are no fun. work is no fun. its 10 times worst when u hear yr fellow peers working late night from a.m. to a.m. during their first week of work.

need a life.

for eg gg on a trip to the nightsafari... lilliputt... paintballing or watsoever. be fit. keep fit and HAVE fun.

plus w money making in mind of cos.

which is the sucky one.

2009-08-04T10:25:00.002+08:00

tons of fats!

i saw them all on my thighs and its like the most MOST deadly things that all girls dread --cellulite. OMG.

i am gg to start exercising tonight. get all the exercising regime set up but was ready super duperly lazy to adhere to. bleahz.

well... i will start today. along with the planning of my TO DO LIST..

kp days are nearing...

i dunno i am counting down cos i am excited? or cos i am worried abt the coping aft the millions of late night stories i heard.

life is short. u need happiness. but u need money too. irony of life.

and i hope people that are healing now will be strong. let's build the strength within us.

2009-07-29T09:43:00.002+08:00

on monday 27072009... i officially end my life as a FULL TIME STUDENT after 21 years... i am gg to be 22 this years, starting my first full time actual career in october, and learning to lead the so called crazy auditor life...

its a meaningful year 2009.

it really seem like yesterday when we were in the nanyang audi, having the light up events. then on mon, we walked up the stage, grab the cert and ya.. i dunno.. i had a super weird emotion.. feeling anxious, happy and a little sense of uncertain. being 21 going 22, where else the path ahead will lead me to in the coming years. what will i be doing when i am 32?or when i am 42? 52?

but one thing i am sure, i sense the happiness in my parents and siblings. i thanks them for all they had given me... really thankful.. the kind of appreciation i wanna express is like kept deep in my heart. i dunno. i know i have never been a perfect sister, a perfect daughter... but i will try.

whats ahead of me is teh six big dreams..

moving towards them. tough. but i will try...

and of which one will be travelling..

plus...

a lot of learning and exp to gain...

much more so to get a healthy body..

i will start exercising. i promise.

feeling sucky

2009-07-06T12:23:00.001+08:00

my nose is like a running tap. feeling terrible now in the office. learn my lesson never to blow clean my nose le. and no more horrendous smelling perfume.

time passed. now is a new month and 2 months to go before this ineternship end and aa month break before official work start. vv tired...

i dunno. now i feel like dozing off and have a good zzz. cos feeling damn terrible will the nose like this. and yup real worried abt my upcoming work too...

wanna travel in sept, so glad to have a grp of travelling kakis..

and i so wanna have a good break...

hmm... what have i been doing lately? work, meeting up with friends, rotting and fluing...

sian~

i wanna take leave...

2009-06-06T16:14:00.003+08:00

been work for a week. dunno how long it will last. but its kinda boring.

the auditors are all on leave and there is really nth much i can do.i keep bugging them for for work but ya.. i cant even serve net since my bloody com faces the door. sianz... i am gg to change place. and if things dun work out, i will bring my lappie in. bet that admin person wont let be connect to the server. I need a bloody break.

wanna travel. still wanna too. been checking out my expenses and my god its god damn terrible. did some calculations, i realized its hard to even save up my first 5k. how am i gg to fund my 6 BIG dreams. roar.

I SO WANNA have a good break. YET i need money. and recently heard once again lots of good and interesting news ie, friends getting pregnant etc and at the same time some 'bad' or saddenning news of breakup and moving on. well, thats life isnt it.

2009-05-29T13:00:00.003+08:00

well, been vv bz after my hk trip.

i cant even r,b did i even blog abt it. i guess i didnt. but ya.. it was fun although there is some unghappiness here and tehre but it make us uds each other better and yup maybe allow us to bond closer. lots of photos...

after which there is another meet up w the BOD to sort out and consolidate the photos. then i did meet up w F peeps and also for J dance (think tahts prior to my trip), a short trip to S and to burn myelf out. I lost track of time to be exact. then there was the PJ party which turns out to be a HTHT and then a camp whereby I found myself in loads of deep shit and end up brusing all over.

there are more to come. the work. the career. etc. as i put it acrpss to MT, treat watever i am doing now as work, cos its my efforts, my time to make changes. I am working and this will be my joba nd title for some time. no choice, i have to do it. no matter how depressing, how it all began with a wrong motive or taht shldnt have been the case to began w, i have to bear w it. it's my life.

2009-05-19T09:50:00.003+08:00

back from the hk trip.. tired and exhausted... happiness and unhappiness.. but i guess that is part of a trip. our first together, and hopefully nt the last.

unhappiness is inevitable, given that it is the first trip tgt overseas and having to meet to different people needs and preferences. but still at the end of the day, i am still thankful to have them...

there is this one person that i really wanna thank.. really wanna to.

have decided to seek help, self help, or in whatever way possible.

pamela, jia you le... the new chap has arrived, work and everything.. the fresh new start has also begin.

have a lot in my mind to blog abt, the memories of the trip etc... but still... there are more memories to weave, if this BOD stays as friends.. isnt it?

2009-04-28T22:50:00.003+08:00

suddenly..

i feel that i am handling all this nitty gritty things alone. i am just 21 but why like this. the plans that i have. the 憧憬that i deeply hold and regard was all thrashed. come to think about it, while many of my friends branded to be in a r/s, there are some within this grp that are deeply hurt and currently in the state of 'its complicated', definitely on the other side of the story, there are people tht havent even experience a r/s before.

but seriously...

what the pt of experiencing one, then after entering into one and coming out of it tattered and torn.

i feel hurt. can god please give me plenty of time and help?

its a loner affair.

2009-04-26T14:19:00.002+08:00

oh did i mention? suddenly i feel like taking up photography.. suddenly to capture all the moments of the life ard me.

2009-04-26T13:52:00.002+08:00

i feel my body breaking apart. physically i am tired, due to all fri and sat training. hmm.. been there and realized the ppl arent those that i will be working with as they are from GAAP, while some others are former players and random players.. but nevertheless friendly pple. the sport is totally tiring, trust me. 4 v 4 no joke. but i found memories while playing...

remember the times back in AHS. the team of us in sec 2 were always out to create troubles, we go against 2F for final and yup.. never fail to fight w the other team, screaming AND exchanging the F words, etc. rowdy crowd.

back tot he pt, no more OT hours. thats the most mean thing that can happen to auditors. jus pray hard that at least the pple we meet will be nice souls that will dismiss us early. and from KLP side, there is good news. I am glad.

trying to keep myself fit. toning up my muscles and trying to slim down. really as human, there isnt much time to waste. there are some much unknowns and so much things taht we cant control. suddenly, i jus tot abt all the prob i have w me now, my GERD, my low bp and stuff, jus wanna be super fit. like i used to be. slimmed down and stuff. become the same old ruggy blacky me -- small, fast and black. sound like i am turning myself bad or to the same tomboy few years back. well, thats me, thats the true me, my true self. not becoming a les or tomboy but striking a balance, finding my old self that ppl have known me for.

trying hard..

there are so much things to do the coming week. bank.. hk trip.. yad yada.. I AM NO LONGER A STUDENT LE. oh my... the start of this new chap of life. everything is new. almost everything.

suddenly a lot of the things to shoulder. and i love money. oops...

2009-04-19T12:36:00.002+08:00

The relationship has ended. Guess there is nth much I can do now abt it. I tried. Gave him a call in the morning, but things still didnt work out. Was flipping the chinese newspaper then came across an article witht he following paragraph...

只是，負心的人為了找一個合理化的藉口，總會先把罪往另一半身上推，把他的小缺點擴大：先數落對方罪狀，只為使自己的愧疚得以彌補。　當局者迷。

善良的人往往在被辜負之後，還失去了自信心，沒檢討對方，也跟對方來刺痛自己、研究起自己的缺點來。有人怪自己沒生兒子所以才被對方拋棄、有人怪自己胸部太小或不夠青春美麗、有人怪自己工作太好所以讓另一半失去自尊心、有人怪自己不懂得撒嬌或沒女人味所以才喚不回床笫熱情。　每個人都有缺點，也許都需要改正，但請明白：一個不要你的人，通常會積極把你的缺點放大。

若緣分已盡，別跟著那個人來糟蹋自己的心。

does this apply to me? was it there for me to have a look..

i need time, time to recover.. hurt deeply but ya.. nth much was heard.

勇气

2009-04-08T19:24:00.001+08:00

我真的需要勇气。

最后一站，最后一战

2009-04-01T21:50:00.002+08:00

jus came back from a short 15 mins run. decided to tell myself i will try to get myself back on track and to be able to run as well as i did in jc.

but the short 15 mins run wasnt tiring until i feel my stomach juices churning and boiling. the heat was so bad that i push myself to the 15 mins and stop. now i still can feel a little burning sensation left behind.

wads wrong. besides the frequent bad headache. the fingers that hurts after writing 3 chapters of notes. suddenly i wonder what am i good at? can i be back as like before. i reall dunno. but thankfully for the invention of com.. at least i can type and since ppl are doing away w audit paper files... i find myself rather lucky.

emailed thekp people today too. the hr ppl sound vv friendly and yup.. she called me back and i find out much more abt what i will doing and what can i expect in the coming months. a little excited. although once in a while i fear that i wont be able to take audit as my job but at the end, its still something i deemed interesting besides teaching...

well, of cos a farm will do much more in bringing me happiness.

so for now its exam and yup exam. then the trip and finally job hunting. if no temp job i also dunno how le guess then will leave it to agent.

random.. how on earth can there is such nice handsome guys.. haha.. only in drama plot. but nevertheless i still hope they really exist.. really vv sweet.. although i know of a few guys taht are really super nice, but reality is that u cant have both the heart or the super good looks (dun wanna offend them cos they are also nt too bad too la). oh well, jus some crap..

ok the burning thing is back.

crap..

time for work again...

awaiting the next chapter of my life...

2009-03-31T20:45:00.005+08:00

cleared a presentation and a report today.

yeah.

sometimes i jus wonder how a person can become goodlooking when u like his characters.. weird right. but this has always been proven right.

2009-03-29T09:13:00.002+08:00

the semester is ending... datelines pushing in.

worst of all when am i gg to find time to start studying when i have another 4 more presentation, 2 report, 1 oral and 1 listening to go. OMG!

so worried for 301. for once i tot... i cant wait for the sem to end, yet i am rather reserved abt ending my student life for a few years from now.

some little things happen here and there and make me even more certain that i cant really fufill my dreams at the moment. i have to be responsible.

and my poor fingers. ache like shit freaking pain la after all the intense writing.

2009-03-24T20:46:00.002+08:00

been performing disappearing acts recently..

suddenly my student life is like gg to end in a month time. OMG.

i can vv much say that i cant wait for exam to be over.. so i can like bum ard and bum ard and bum ard till... the hk trip, fly then come back to look for job. oh my...

but i decide that my gpa will be a bonus if i ever do well, been vv stressed abt studies, plus all the proj and presentations ard. real real worried for my cores.. cant uds why the sch have to always put out core back to back. grp A students really at a disadv leh...

catching two drama at the moments. they are my only source of entertainment cos firstly, someone reading this blog doesnt wanna go k with me cos wanna study, then i cant possibly go k myself, and i have to stop shopping since i gonna start work and have to save up a little to buy all the so called necessities. in addition to my hk trip which i hope to be back with bags, clthes and shoes..

looking for part time, anyone? from mid may to mid sept.

sometimes i really realized i am nth. so small...

2009-03-12T09:41:00.002+08:00

so stuff seem to come and rest within me for god know how long...

feeling so difficult and uncomfortable.

the kind of worries that coming from within, praying hard that things wont turn out the way I am afraid it will be.

its like coping myself up... feeling all the intense disgust and uncomfort within...

received my new revised contract. well, i think i would have to go source for part-time.

2009-03-01T11:23:00.002+08:00

yestreday spend the day helping yr for his cac impre 2009. i must say that the stage and everything is done up super nicely and its really quite amzing. however, i tot the mc of the day wasnt vv fantastic. given that he sometime gave me the impression that he is taking to himself, there were some wrong use of words. and they dun really look vv confident in themself. well, but over all the stage was really done up nicely, lightings and stuff and the performers are quite professional.

this also mean that i burn sat off and yup still have this pile of work on my desk.

borrowed 3 books from nie but i havent even got the chance to flip thru. maybe i will do it aft the 301 stuff. for the moment i jus conc on studying for the upcoming 6% quiz.

i also jus mailed the kp ppl regarding my start of work and was jus thinking how my life and all will change. can i still be myself? will i be happier? well, once again, i start drifitng away in my own thoughts.

boo.. study time. let 1st of March be the good start.

ironic me

2009-02-27T13:11:00.002+08:00

the recess week zoomed past crazily.

its now FRIDAY and the list of TO DO now sit in my notebook ALL (95%) unchecked. OMG.

i slack the dfirst sat and sun off thinking i wanna give myself a good break from all the stress that are packed up for 7 weeks. Monday an tues were spend doing project for 301 and its not yet completed. vv demanding i would say. then on the 2 nights, i had 2 bday dinner to attend to, one for yy and the other mt. plus, on tues, i slipped and fall on my heels and now have a swollen butt. so its actually a rather happening and busy 2 days. wed, i went back to sch for cesim round 4 and presentation and the meeting lasted for half a day before i head down to lib to borrow book for AED281 and travel guides for my grad trip.

and now to announce that we have offically book the air tix, all is gg to proceed. yay! first trip with the BOD and w dear. looking forward to this vv special trip. looking back, this group of frens have been w me for 5 years, from the not so familiar to the 'ripe till rot' kinda situations, we shared some memories that are too special to us. there is beloved jy, who nvr fail to make me luff at his stupidity and i emphasize is HIS stupidity not mine. haha... he listens and he listens and yup, thats him. there is lw and i shouldnt say much abt him, there is mr.heng- brainy and funny and yy the aspiring teacher to be. well, we did move on, making more frens, having diff work, study diff courses, advance at different speed. i will be the first to grad and thats why, this trip not jus mark our first trip tgt as the BOD, but also my grad trip.

i settled for the whole of thurs, with a short break in between to see LKP at TTSH, we confirmed and would be heading down to Hong Kong. hope all is fine. ROAR! excited.

then, on the other side, i am fighting and working hard. for the last year final sem. for the final half a sem. and coming up i knew there is gg to be lots of challenges, be it a r/s(which i am really trying and doing my best, praying hard that dear know what i meant each and everytime), there is the issue of graduating and also getting use to my job.

its a whole new thing for me. real new. the issue of money will stepped in, we grow and mature in certain areas, while on the end, there is the certain activities will tone down. i know so far taht things will get a little rough here and there, and i would and should embraced it. is it jus a matter of time? or habit? i myself isnt sure...

but for now, its still sch work. still sch work and finally still sch work.

saying is easier than doing it.

ask me not to worry abt work, money, family, upcoming challenges be it in rs or life. i would say i cant nt think abt it, and worst i cant not worry for it. weee... why am i such an ironic person.

i jus wan everything fast good and quick. everything certain, happy and secured. greedy me. i want everything to fast forward. stop and let me see where i will be in 10 years? but taht is against the natural works of life, isnt it. but i always and i really mean ALWAYS, wanna all things to come on fast, get settled fast and wanna think a lot of things at one go, do alot of things at one go. maybe i am still alittle young. maybe when i am 25 i wished all things will jus for goodness slow down. *shrug* i dunno...

its really hard for me to explain this feeling. its like one moment 'aiya, why not jus do korean, since there is so much to do' , the second moment' hey, there is a 301 quiz on tues, 8 sem materials, study for it' then the third moment ' work how ar, what will my work at kp be like', the fourth moment ' is all gg to be alrite for us', fifth moment ' how? how?...' and this never end. and hello, this jus within a short span of 3 minutes the most. i think u guys reasing it will get what i meant. in the end, i got nth done, after all the assuring.

i think i should really stop thinking.. and move on everyday as it is gg to be something that make a difference to me. i will love this life of mine, because of family, friends, loved ones and work. and becaue i am me. 修养is the key. be a better person, the goals and dreams in my life. hit all challenges, show attitudes and believe that it work. haha... if and IF i can...

ahhh.. i am so ironic.

2009-02-15T11:47:00.004+08:00

a little of a confused heart now. if i wanted to continue, its gg to be another new chap.

and some random pictures from 2009 cny.. as a form of distraction at this current point in time. family cny dinner at peach garden in thomson plaza. it's a 7-eight course dinner, if i rmbed correctly..

the Yu Sheng which is considerably delicious given that i dun really like the exotic taste of yu sheng from the start

baby Javier (sitting next to me) was so busy with his biscuits that pacifier had to be placed in :)

this is supposed to be a roast pig trotter, which was superb and yup before i rmbed that i should take a picture of it, its half gone. trust be its super super.

yummy shark-fin soup for the day

the abalone with oyster and duck feet, personally was thinking it could have been a little better. i would say a little too tough for me. the sauce could have a little more taste. but its still alright. cant ask for more. :)

2009-02-12T20:14:00.002+08:00

i dun wanna imagine how my 6 weeks of last sem went.

a word and that is hectic.

havent had my half day free day till yesterday and what more can i ask for my full free day. dun uds what i am doing, but same thing still happen like the past sems, work and readings poiling up. its getting a bit worrying and yup...

tmr i will be having my first ca -- korean which is freakingly hard.

ya.. quite hard cos maybe i didnt have the actual time to sit down and memorize every vocab on a weekly basis.

feeling all stressed up. and coupling with that, i realized the economy is really bad. no one has called me down for relief teaching, no tution and my bank acct dipping like mad. and lucky me secured a job but many others are still looking for one. many frens from other fac are gg on overseas trip, like instep and gss. so gg to further their studies, but us accountancy get a job. lucky lucky, but the pay isnt good, really isnt good. cos after minusing all expenses, whatever left is really say minimal...

but its great nt having to bother abt looking for a job now.

and on the other note, a lot of things that i am concerned with, i am doing my best. be the best me.

2009-02-03T20:53:00.002+08:00

my favorite pen is missing.

my favorite parker pen that i use to write with.. apparently its the only one in super duper good writing conditions.

these few days have been trashingly terrible because of some personal problems. was vv emo-ed and very hurt plus depressed.

thanks for those that stood by me.

i jus wish i need not go thru so much pressure and pain in something that i thought should be alright all along. how musch efforts can u put into something u really treasure. i dunno..

but i guess this short few months, job interviews, ending of final sem, some quarrels and unhappiness, some known facts that i hate to know... yada yada have grown me a lot.

i guess this unhappiness might have caused me to have only 2 meals at most a day, crazy headaches and me losing signs of what i am being... i walked ard campus aimlessly, wish to be left alone, and zoomed in and out od classes like a worn out 90 years old zombie.

i might have choose to hide it, i might have appeared vv strong, but i am weeping hard inside. i dunno why. but this time round, appearing composed, i am really hurt super deeply, drilled right down to the bottom.

maybe till this the extent i cant rmb when did i last saw my pen or where i placed it.

triple sigh...

2009-01-28T22:01:00.002+08:00

I know i have disappear for quite sometime and i guess... yup its has got to do with CNY prep and CNY itself. well, 3 unrealistic days past awith a hectic one plus week of mad rush.. things has finally quieten down...

and now standing on my study table...

lots of tutorials and questions.

lots of korean stuff...

and a super duper tired me.

i managed to be on track for freaking 3 week...

but ending week 3 was a flop...

and week 4 a total happy hours weeks...

i cant tell myself to skip all visiting and focus on tut and sch work..

i wanted and i needed the break.. what more is CNY.. i know its full of excuse..

but i have no choice.

i want a new me...

2009-01-15T19:34:00.002+08:00

2009 barely started for 3 weeks, but CNY is coming.

school barely strated for 2 weeks, but the readings has piled up.

i lost all my appeals to the electives i wanted. and the prob i cant figure out why is that, isnt priority given out to all final years students. why bother only giving one elective out of the six choices then make us fight the sweat out of it. i mean, it should not be encourage for students to take something vv difficult and flung his/her GPA further. (well, maybe taht only apply for me). but i am ok w whatever i land myself in. just have to work freakingly hard at least, and its a kind of no joke situation.

secondly, knowing that we are in group A, most of us will be taking the same modules, the sch has been so nice to place the core papers back to back. i know most people experience this but yup, isnt it quite ironic. i dunno..

the readings that i now have to clear are slowly stacking up. taking language within a sem is nvr easy. nowkorean, i dun even know how should i tackle it. interested i might be but this lesson will sure drain the heart ans soul out of me given that my lesson become straight and back to back, one after another. starting to think abt whether taking AB005 could make a difference.

vv tired.

coming cny might jus be a short getaway from the reality but yup.. u sure wanna grad w a good grade. and for me, i really dunno how.

2009-01-06T21:15:00.004+08:00

second day of sch officially over..

monday

i report to sch for winning formulae thing. its like 430 and i drove to sch. was super in a daze till i have to blast the radio louder so taht i wont fall asleep. when i was there, after paring the car and comin out of it, i took like 5 mins standing in the carepark trying to figure out where am i. but i was no where, its the familiar carpark btw S3 and S4. jus got so tired that it become real slow trying to orientate myself. i was finally 'force to move', when sol and ray honk me. LOL. they were so puzzled and was asking me what the heck i was doing in the carpark at like 430, stoning and asked if i was waiting for someone. well, that pretty explain the state i was in.. haha..

TWF sem was packed w people and apparently, some of the items taht are gg to be taught would be interesting, like make up, hairdos, facial, dining etiquette etc.. but the idea od mock interview and role plays really turns me off a little. partially, because i am not good at them and the other half, cos i alr got a job.

well, i jus have embraced it with an open mind and hope this makeover session will transform this ugly ducking to somewhere in the middle. the dress sense and everything. gg to the workplace le ma. sure must have some changes right. cant have ppl thinking u are still in jc right? at least look young with style ma...

hope its gg to be fun..

tuesday

counselling mod. decided nt to drive today and experience the morning traffic which will be coming true in july. well, i freakingly jus fall asleep and even knocked into the guy next to me. i hope he wasnt pissed and i have to say, i start to appreciate the new train with larger seats. at least you wont have trouble having to place yr big bag on other ppl laps.

back to the nie module. its my first in my 3 years and being super unfamiliar w the place, i went straight ahead to the guards to check for the location. and when i was in the room, mostly NIE pupils and i seriously didnt know, they separate us form them. we are known as the people from the NTU side. but well, i always tot NIE is part of NTU. i didnt know there was this kind of classification, so whenever the prof or student ask me questions like you are from NTU? i would jus have the urge to say 'huh, arent we all from NTU, if not why are we here'. so yup NTU students is different from NIE students.

class was quite enjoyable, there is no exam and it looks fun. really talk me into gg teaching. well, teaching has really been a passion and i am eager to do it. but i wont put my accountancy aside. i cant and i wont say i would never. but not at this moment. even if it meant i have earn enuff money to start a child care cente, why not? its passion and yr love for it. plus the major selling pt, good working hrs. i guess when u know whats life of auditors can be like, you wont complain abt all the admin need to be done in sch, all the stay-backs session to meet the principals, or the extra assignments to mark. well, the grass always seem greener on the other side, when u are in this profession, you will jus complain and complain abt it.

but, i like audit. i might not have top grades, but i am willing to learn. i might notbe fast in learning, but i am willing to put in extra time. if someone were to appreciate me..

my results and worries keep haunting me.

then its the first 301 seminar. hmm , my prof is a researcher and my class is his only class. a little worried that he will be 'anil no. 2'. anil is my 201 prof, but this new he is really quite funny. he keep saying that he has a smiling disease and its quite obvious he cant stop smiling. good or bad? i dunno.. but for the time *keep my fingers crossed* he seem ok.

i need to do well. i need to look on brighter side of life. i wanna do a lot of things, you know? i still have my six big dreams in life. dreams that i will hold onto for life. something that is kept a secret. maybe only him knows abt 1, jus one. its a ongoing dreams and a lasting one.

2009-01-04T23:24:00.001+08:00

jus realized my wed will only be free once after recess week. so its like week 8?! but the consolation here is 28 which is CNY day 3 i am FREE!

2009-01-04T22:43:00.002+08:00

the hols blew past in the speed of lightning..

tmr is gg to be the WEEK 1 of SEM 2 Year 3 and yup i have a preregistration sem to attend to. at like 430 pm.then it will be no dinner till when i am home at say 830? oh my...

the last sem dun seem relax at all. firstly our student portal was super slow in updating so i cant see the details of mt cores and electives and hence have no idea whether is hould report to sch on tues and so on. yup for week 1 it will be a long 5 days week and then subsequently week 2 4 day weeks and maybe till say week 6 it become 3 day week.

sound a little ridiculous for a year 3 but its ok. accept it this way. plus the freaking aa301 seems to have like 3 textbooks? the scott which i didnt buy when in year 2 is back and this super thin book which cost a bomb is like part of the main text. and these main texts have ard the same weightage in term of reading etc.. so how? wait for the lecturer and tutor to say ba..

with edventure screwing up... there is really little info as to what we students could do bu its alrite. last sem last year. 2009 is gg to be a little different.

heard over the radio taking abt yr hope and dreams abt 2009. was asking myself whats gg to be mine. ermm.. actually quite a few things leh.

i wanna be healthy so that i can do all the things i like.

i wanna start exercising to slim down cos i am growing fatter each day.

i wanna my family and loved ones to be safe, healthy and happy.

i wanna my last sem to be meaningful and hopefully some miracles to take place.

i wanna my new job to be exciting and interesting.

i wanna enjoy working.

i wanna pay off my student loan.

i wanna be lucky and be able to fufill my six big dreams.

i hope i can travel ard and see what i want in life whenever chances permit.

i wanna things to be fine and good between us.

i wanna myself to be hardworking and be blessed with a will to succeed.

i wanna it to be a smooth transition from study life to work life.

i hope the world will strive to remain peaceful.

and lastly the year to be filled with happiness, love and ****......

2009-01-02T09:57:00.002+08:00

its the new year..

2009 i wish that everything is fine.

was extremely sorry for bringing this out. its the worst regret that i ever made till date. to let it even pop out once..

but i cant accept the fact that things turn out this way. i cant uds why relationships must maintain to such a close extent and that why is it that without them, it is as if it will kill. i know i am not a good person. but its today i realized that there are many more things to be ironed out.

now i am waiting for the sch to announce the electives. then, i can plan my timetable. and start to lead this so called life.

kept asking myself, was it a habit, but dun think a habit cn result to a hurt so much. i wanna grow up. a simple thing like wanting us to be ok is like so tough.

friends afterall are friends. but, somehow.. u need and like to have many. best if its of the opposite gender. i dunno why. but while trying to make to see tis sensitive me, i missed out on the greatest thing -- why cant things be simple? are they so impt?

if the ans to the both questions are YESes, then the decision is made.

being 21 make me see lots of things - happiness, love, care and concern. yet on the other side there are friends, enemies, arguements and agreements. third parties, terrible husbands, horrid bfs. i really should not be living to see all these. they are supposed to be lessons and not personal experiences. but why are they so deeply imprinted there. its phobia.

to ease all these pains, i will work the heart and soul out of myself. last sem to study and then work. i know by doing this, i will be trading off my leisure and happiness. i will even be trading off part of my life. but living int his world is like that. cant take the pain, then ignore it. cant run away from it for life, its ok, then shorten it.

maybe and seriously, walking down this path of confidence myself would be a better way. since then, i wouldnt extend this pain to more people.

welcome 2009.

a simple wish. all to be fine. good luck.

2008-12-30T20:52:00.002+08:00

so fast..

school will reopen coming monday. i told myself to start using my planning and do all my planning. but guess.. its a little slow. look thru the course outline, seem like i will have to purchase scott text le. vv lazy to photocopy. nbj still ok.. the problem now is i dun have friends in one of my class.. roar! or not that i know of.

results were out ystday. got some little improvement but next sem i must get b+ avg and abovr leh. some people might think that its a simple and easy to attain stuff but to me, not really. i am grateful to get a job given how bad the economy is like now and everything. plus a not so good job, i only wanna get in to the econg lower cat. jus let me squeeze in, damn that sem. its my fault la...

whenever i think of it, i hate myself to the core. if not i would have been sitting in there all along le.

vv mei you zi qi right. sigh...

thats me..

tummy ache recently... i wanna solve this big stone in my path leh.. but really dunno what approach to take. looking forward to year 2009 with lots of hope. its gg to mean a lot to me. well, every year mean a lot to me. but its the stepping out of sch, gg into the workforce, battling the audit world, no longer 20, now an adult, no more slacking and excuses, money making... thats whats life is gg to be like in the new year.

no countdown for me this year. have a bday to attend to.. so yup.. mark the year of a fruitful 2008 and a new start, a new chapter, a year older, more challenges.

worried. excited. happy. and hopeful.

2008-12-28T14:36:00.003+08:00

the so called 'honest' lie is on the right track.

i am currently suffering from the symptoms of telling such lies.

its painful but i will hold on.

5 days? 3 years? i wont wanna admit it only worth this amount. seriously it worth much more. but someimes things are rather hard..

i am afraid. and pushing away and avoiding me is the only way out.

it doesnt heal the wound, in fact it make things worst. its more painful but at least in exchange for what i think i should return.

this lack of confidence in a rs. i dunno how long i will take myself to walk out of it. why not jus let e slowly walk out myself, and not pull an innocent in to walk with me out of it.

i will shell up and be this loner

the real lies

2008-12-28T10:54:00.005+08:00

the only way to set this someone free..

is to degrade myself. put up this brave act.

this psycho barrier within me, i have decide to face it alone...

its a terrible struggle.

i will do this in exchange for that happiness in him...

something that i dun wan to do.

its a painful. it hurts. but i will face it. its slicing each piece off..

hope he buys it. hope he never see this.

be strong. i cant fail this mission.

i cant..

pain.....

2008-12-20T18:55:00.002+08:00

now, i am sitting in front of my com waiting for people to inform me when they reach. this is like the last one i am gg to. after this it will be a whole week of randomness. many more meet up, a christmas family party and a one twin one year party. then school will start.

timetable till now is like erm.. quite shitty. i will talked abt it when the result for the electives are being released. LAST SEM, aim is to get into second lower, if really cant then at least not too far off la.

dear is off in KL. i am being left behind. alone. so evil right.. but actually is i cant go too.. so glad many of my things for the hols has been checked. except for freaking EXERCISE.

oh and did i mention that i was asked to stop using my notebook or month planner but it was chaotic. i forget abt tutions, appointment etc. so tmr. I MEAN seriously tmr, i will start all my planner and change myself psychologically. thats whats the psycho say. also, exercising should jus start.

yup.. thats abt it.

seriously i am so so so so excited abt work start. really.. thou i know the days will nt be good. i will be sad, stressed, busy, tired.. but i am always this kind of person that jump excitedly abt new stuff but worries at the same time. i will do my part, do my best. and thats what i hope. the new chapter will not be as smooth sailing, but i jus wanna be appreciate and for r/s be right. family, friends and myself to be free for illness. i cant wait for my age to be 30. but actually, to be honest, i am not vv sure abt whether is it i wan to have some certainty and control or it is pure excitment. maybe i dun wanna know at all.. maybe i still prefer living each day to its fullest. yup.. i will be. starting tmr and for the rest of my life.

a real backdated post

2008-12-17T13:17:00.012+08:00

ok.. its abt my bday party.. it was a mad rush and yup so glad most of the fall into place except for a few hiccups that i hope havent been obvious to the guests

its at aloha loyang on 7th dec, the actual day. hmm for the first time, i didnt jus solely hang out w tj peeps (which we have been doing so for like the past 4 years) or jus him. it was a 100 ppl affairs and if i have to include some ppl that couldnt make it, it would have been easily 120. mum was the busiest taht day followed by me. on the night before 7th, there was a bad rush to gather all the food and preparing them and since, my house fridge wasnt big enuff, i have like 5 ice boxes lying ard the house and many many big red plastic bags with all the items to bring over. it felt like i was gg to carry half the house over.

then there, it was the first time i stepped into the garden bungalow, it alwasy used to be facing the sea, so i was so afraid that its gg to get real hot and stuffy. then busy busy with all the setting up plus deco and then its like anxiously waiting for the guest to arrive. i am glad dear drove one trip for us and yup, brought his mj table and chairs which was obviously of great help. there wasnt enuff chairs to begin with and the fact that ppl come tgt as a grp, the chairs was sure not enuff! i was so anxious cos dearest ah pek wated for 1 hr plus and he is supposed to come help w the blowing of the balloons but his lungs came a little too late. many of my friends drove and they all end off coming in a huge grp.

primary school friends whom i have known for 12 years, not kidding. ever since primary 3. the turn out was quite surprising and i am so thankful for them to make it. there were ppl whom i never really hang out with in pri sch but still make it there. we are a grp not a clique and that quite obvious. they stayed the longest (BESIDES jy, yr and lw of cos), talking and rotting and they left ard 7am. so that is day one, where i dint get any or rather only 15 mins of sleep.

6f peeps i forget to take photo with ps who was late. oh no.

then, its AHS people, the smallest grp, only the 3 whom we usually hang out with. i have known them for 8 years. vv long too. AHS were the days when we split into little little grps and yup, it so happen taht mine only have 3 other people. used to have more, but loses contact as we grow older.

then come jc frens. 13/04 was a quarter here. closer peopleof cos. the grossies girls taht are always so happening plus ah pek hua zai aka junhua and vincent. thankful for them to make it for the day. i was so afraid that they might forget given that it is a trend in our class, ALWAYS making a mess out of everthing. HAHA.. no wonder mr low can get so mad at us.

TJ ECLUB people are up next. a group whereby we got real comfortable w each other aft Mrs Han boring talk. we told by each other for long. and of cos some credits have to be given to pc whom we really 'unite and fight against'. (hope she dun see this) but seriously i have no idea to date as to why so. maybe simply cos she doesnt mixed w us or that her ba zhi bu he with us. there is dearest grossy ah pek jy who sleep the best out of the three on the first night. he is B2, my beloved crapping partner and we USED to share same frequency. apparently those telepathy thing has toned down a little, because i have matured while he havent. HAHA. then, there is yy, a nice, sweetlady who even get me a TY bear sharing the same birth date and month. she eas sick that day and i was so sad playing a bad host to her and the group. then there is yr, who is i still think the smartest and funniest among us. he fit into us nicely simply because we all have a common 'target' -- jy. HAHA.. he is a good singer and a nice friend to hang out w. jt wasnt there becuase she was flying off the next day, so we didnt have her with us.

then within TJC ECLUB, there is lw. but things seriously hasnt been taht smooth. maybe cos both of us are rather bull-tempered and we have quite a lot of differences to begin with. but he is always there for us. and for me. good to have known him, be it as a fren or a bf. i have grown a lot over the years and i am thankful that we tried our best. although the next chap has begun or rather was abt to begin, i prayed hard taht watever things turns out to be, we will make it through. he has been tolerating my nonsense but i have to say i have some weird reasons or reasonable reasons too.

joyce also came. my mavis tution friend. she came alone and well, she has become a tall and pretty girl! :) envy.. haha.. and what a thing to say like pamela has such pretty friends huh. thanks to whoever said taht. i know i nt pretty can le.. HAHA.. like this shoot me.

lastly, uni friends, there is mt clique of girls and ailing group of mixed. hmm.. majority of them stayed in the north and the west so coming to pasir ris is something like me gg to NTU. so happy that they make it and then it will next be our last sem in sch and off we go distributed among the big4 around shenton way. hope we stay in contect aft then, even thou we might all be in rival firms. haha... friendship doesnt end cos of the big4 right.

then there are relatives that help alot in all the nice cooking.

lw, jy and yr stayed over the first night and on the second, its only lw and jy. we even when to sing at kbox. it was a whole lots of fun and tiredness cos i practically nvr sleeop for 40 hrs. so i guess audit not vv much a prob? LOL.. the different is i can stone in this 40 hrs but not in the so called audit field work. haha...

i shall start my journal book again soon.. and lots of feeling to type out. currently busy w the making of presents.

well, lastly i have made my choice to where i wanna start my career in. the people are nice and i hope i am right to start my career there smoothly and nicely. wee... all the best! i cant wait for last sem to come and face the new challenges. excited and worried. really scared.. it will be the time when i can start my second dream in life. reduce dad's burden. also, i can get a lot of things for myself, or the saveup, or whatever. meet people, experience and grow. hope my study is gg to be ok for the coming sem and of cos this sem grades. i signed up for some professional thing next sem, hoping taht i can carry myself better... yup.. 21 sure mean a lot to me.

2008-12-12T11:35:00.000+08:00

birthday 21.

21 useless.

I AM HAPPY Part 2

2008-12-05T18:43:00.002+08:00

i submitted 4 applications in end october. i got shortlisted for 2 in late november. and i got 2 job offers in early december. right before my birthday. yeah!

i know out of the 4 applications, my grades and CCAs only qulaified myself for of the big4. i was freaking worried. but i emerged a hit rate of 2/2. yup both gave me offers. it was a relief. thanks to all those who push me on, encourage me, taught me to be stronger, and feed me with information, there is al, ss, hx, etc.. of cos for my family who supported me, and my dear whom is always there to listen.

but the happy part 2 end here, have to think what to choose. i have gotten myself a good bday gift for myself. employement in may 2009! grad trip no matter gg anot, nth beats having a job. serious. in times of such a bad market prospect, job a stable income is impt. finally i can lessen dad's burden.

i jus hope our so called argument will stop. really i really treasure every little part. every... maybe i am not a good gf. we really can remove all these.

.....

went to cleo wedding today. the turn out of 6F peeps is quite ok, given many ppl are overseas. at least i managed to get 3 girls and altogether there are ard 10 of us. cant believe it.. someone our level are now married.

its nt cos i am jealous or wad, jus happy.. as the year goes on, slowly more and more will take place. lets hope we all make the right choice into marriage.. and that this particular grp of primary sch friends will stay tgt as long as we could. its something worth treasuring. really worth.. its like i am gg 21, i know them since 9 or 10. 11 years! memories.. ok. feel like blogging abt my past again.. it goes jus in line w my 21st birthday. but it will have to wait, gg to count paper plates now.

if the turn out is as expected, i might have suddenly an addition of friends. oh my.. i dunno leh.. but anyway.. i dunno.. ah... a lot of things to think abt.

2008-12-03T21:00:00.003+08:00

cant express how much worried i was. i am really a worried freak!

OMG. even now i am having butterflies in my stomach for tmr interview.

who say girls dun have ego

i am a 'perfectionist' plus 'egoist'

you know things can be a little complicated. now i have one offer, i want two. when i have two, i can certainly tell you, i will wish i have one - so that i dun have to headache.

-.-'''''

I AM HAPPY

2008-12-03T15:59:00.001+08:00

yay.. its a relief.

at least, no matter what... i will get a present for myself :)

and dear say he finally got my presents. look here....

I WANT MANY MANY MORE! its a punishment for not telling me.

2008-12-02T12:38:00.002+08:00

few hrs to my first interview.

dun uds why am i feel all so fearful. maybe i really wanted a job.

but its like hey girl, to get a job first u will have to learn to relax and perform.

*pray*

i really seriously extremely from the bottom of my heart is shivering.

2008-12-01T15:10:00.002+08:00

first interview is tmr! tgt w subject registration.

i little worried and gan chiong. so afraid i wont perform.

i guess i will get some preparation work done.now and tonight. for the morning, i have been busy scrapping sticky price tags off..

and i am having weird tummy like those once in a month kinda thing. hope it chooses to come at the right time. and yup sure need ample of sleep...

bday prep almost on a daily basis. settling some nitty gritty stuff. since its like on the day of check in there is a lot of pre prep to do.

soon i will do my long backdated life journal entry.

hopei have a fufilling hols.

at least i was given a chance...

2008-11-27T11:55:00.002+08:00

I am glad i was given a chance. or rather 2 chances.

now, at least there is something to fight for, although the chances might be slim for me to secure a position at the end of the day. i am happy that this chance will get me somewhere. be it an improvement in my interview scale, or tol et me better understand where i should go...

i am thankful and will do my best.

and for all those there to support me. i thank them too..

let hope things turn out fine and at the end of the day, i will received this one birthday present for myself.

my worries never end

2008-11-20T17:48:00.005+08:00

hmm.. YEAR 3 SEM 1 has officially ended for me jus yesterday..

i should have been expected myself to be more relAX but it seem a little weird.. 306 was easier than what i have expected -- at least i uds the qns. but the issue here isnt just abt understanding . at the end of the day, FI still un-do-able. Malay -- a mere 2 hrs mugging for it. if i have studied and not SU, believe me, sure can score de. thou it difficult, but imagine i only study for 2 hrs and still manage to do it to a certain extent. cant be too bad if i have studied. only balme it on myself.

day 1 of the holiday really past vv weirdly.. i dunno how is it best to describe the feeling but yup.. a little uneasy and 'gao wei' (hokkien if you know..)

firstly i wake up at my usual 8. i wanted to sleep more but yup.. didnt manage to. so i wake up.. doing some reading of my papers. i know AL and gang are gg to sentosa today and i seriously hope they have fun. but since dear is having his paper, i tot it was only 'morally' right for me to give him fullest support by staying on this island so that i will be in touch w him whenever he needed. :)

then, off i switch on my lappie that finally came home after like more than half a month. maybe he has only been away for less than that but it seem rather long thou.. it feel good for it to be back, esp when its back on the RIGHT TIME. did some random surfing and my fingers suddenly itch real lots to do some serious shopping. i know it will cos some tertiary damage to my wallet.. but the issue here is that whether this damage is even possible. (simply cos i am a poor chap, with lots of debts to clear off by coming may 2009)

then in the afternoon, i went ahead with the schedule 'shopping' with my mum. have to get my bday stuff done but yup.. more of comparing prices, deciding what are the things that i have to get first or later. i got really tired shopping for groceries for like half the day. it doesnt seem like those whereby its a class chalet thing so everything jus chop chop get it done one day before. class chalet we jsu have to make do with whatever class fund we have and get the cheapest items on the shelf..

mine was really like err.. have specific items taht they want etc. i dun mind taht as long as ppl that come on that day jus enjoy themselves dun feel bored abt it. BUT.. i have some extreme pessimistic thoughts/dreams that my frens will all disappear off from earth that day! ah...

then, my fridge is too small to start putting in all the item taht i am gg to buy.. so everything is currently on hold but i predict or rather can savely say that a bomb will arrive soon.

back home, i stoned -> which is NOW. not sure of what to do next.

there are like a millions things. well, only 10 for now.

more groceries shopping
bday deco stuff - which i really intend to dump it aside
bbq-ers recruiting since most of cousins will have work or the stand chart run
clothes for the day - i dun think i wanna appear in something that ppl know its from my existing cupboard, no fancy dressing up cos i jus wanna be comfortable but at least a new set of clothes?
wishlist - haha! which i thought will be rather useful (maybe i should blog it since i alr have many items i wanna get for myself)
clear up my primary and sec scholl material which can to many ppl horror still sitting somewhere in my room
pack my uni materials and tidy up my cupboard - bwang all those clothes and things taht i dun use
prep for some interview thing BUT maybe that wont even be needed cos, i receive no call from anyone. sigh.. i am a gonna. starting to worry if i was such a blur pok that i place diff company doc into diff envelope and didnt submit PwC entries. OMG! horror horror horror! the more i think abt it the more likely i feel its gonna happened or it really did. my god... :(
start getting myself into reading biz stuff.. at least a bit if not prep for next sem cos the scott book i have 50% photocopied in my hse now. -- i need to at least do something abt it. what if i am not even shortlisted for interview given this bad market ahead and that i so CHUI? cant help but to blame myself for the CMI grades...
HAVE FUN AND RELAX. of cos at the same time think abt what if i dun get any calls or any jobs. boo..

so anyone out there who care for me, please ans my call and pray for me to get at least a job application successful. thats a wonderful bday present for me. haha..

in conclusion, after removing worries from papers, may i introduce you *drum roll* my newest worries.

seriously, my worries never end. haha..

2008-11-16T20:29:00.002+08:00

my poor little fingers..

wanna come online to find the slides for the TCM rearrange and get my notes down in a more ORGANIZED manner, but the file is no where to be found! then guess i will have to write and sort it out properly.

the ting so far heard was that most of the elective paper be it introductiry bio or french was freakingly difficult, thouse that u read and dun even know how to do. 304 paper that happened the other day was also not a typical one. there is the element of the tree diagram, ACL (vv difficult), sudit sampling and those typcial audit issues and procedures kind of qn.

then coming tues and wed, my paper will end. vv scary. the more i think abt it the more weak my heart feel. i spend quite sometime on 306 le. and i meant it as really sitting there to study and practise hard for it. this sem i am alittle more hardworking. more enthu to gain class participation, instead of keeping my opinion to myself. hope grades get a little tweeny bot better to pull GPA up.

malay.. sing song le la. i will study on the day itself. how terrible right. i swear next time i will choose a good timetable and look at the test dates AS WELL.

the only thing i want now is to let 19 come, then pass in the most peaceful manner possible. and that dear really can mean it and to be there w me there on 19th.

then prep for the upcoming birthday (i hope ppl still rmb to come, still deciding whether to send a reminder anot), if nobody then err.. i will feel vv sad. HAHA. and then the interview and awaits the 21st birthday present that dear has prepared, till now his pathetic clues still lead to nowhere, but i am pretty sure i guess it right (ironic right?).

and for this special ONE birthday present that i wish for to come true.. hope that i would be able to receive this present from myself for my 21st birthday present. really... it will be the best present that i can get for myself simply cos half of one of my dreams will be answered if tht comes.

2008-11-12T11:32:00.002+08:00

hmmm.. tmr is the first paper for the coming YEAR 3 semester 1 paper. time goes on so fast and in less tahn a week time it will be like the end of my paper. fast fast...

vv worried, not jus cos of the grades, but the subjects and the timing of the papers seem rather messed up as well. rmb that every start of the sem i keep reminding myself not to snowball, this sem really nvr snowball so much le but still, thought and kepp blaming myself why is it that i havent put in MORE effort to prac more esp for 306. see the irony. when u really make more effrt, it doesnt reduce the panic in you any much more, u start to think why not do more!

worried worried. my dec hols are more or less set up. with one week right after the exam fully booked for med appointments, then i have the mad rush to get a portfolio, prepare for interviews, then birthday preparation. suddenly i realized not joining the kidsworld was a good choice. cs beside all this.. i wanna settle my room for the coming CNY, do lots of shopping and outings! a good break. plus i guess i should be getting committed to the CAC stuff which apparently oi havent been gg for much.

worried sick.

i cant wait for 19 to come and have a good break and have fun.

2008-10-27T23:14:00.002+08:00

was surfing through my friend blog.

she was my primary school friend. tall and pretty.

she stood in an index number one place in front of me. she's 18 and i am 19.

and now, she is in the other part of Earth. getting real excited about her wedding.

it's amazing isnt it. from the way she put it.. i am happy for her to be doing well there. happy as it is.

it make me wonder when mine will come. maybe in another 5 years? 10 years? or never at all?

just like what pat puts it, he has been attending his gf's friends wedding for the past 2 years or so. he cant wait for his turn. the only fact her is that his gf is older than him. but it doesnt really matter, isnt it? its about staying happy, merging in, living well as one big loving entity.

weee... i guess we will slowly morph into a real adult soon..

2008-10-27T12:12:00.002+08:00

你爱咖啡低调的感觉
偏爱收集的音乐怪的很另类
你很特别每一个小细节
哎呀呀呀如此的对味

我怕浪费情绪的错觉
讨厌自己像刺猬小心的防卫
我很反对为失恋掉眼泪
哎呀呀呀离你远一些

喜欢看你紧紧皱眉叫我胆小鬼
你的表情大过於朋友的暧昧
寂寞的称谓甜蜜的责备
有独一无二专属的特别

喜欢看你紧紧皱眉叫我胆小鬼
我的心情就像和情人在斗嘴
奇怪的直觉错误的定位
对你哎呀呀呀
我有点胆怯

我在我的世界不能犯规
你在你的世界笑我无所谓

2008-10-26T16:29:00.002+08:00

there is actuall this blog site that i have set up called "to you and for me to tell you" sound rather stupid but i really thought i have lots to say about this 2 year plus about us. no prizes to those who guess to whom this page is for. but anywhere, whenever i logged in, i jus dunno how to continue typing. cos there are many things that words cant describe.

been thru 304 quiz then 306 quiz 1. coming week will be malay CA 1 and 306 Quiz 2. quiz 2 is on freaking conso, which well rely a lot on double entry aka AA101 and also AA201. started to regret back then why i didnt put in much effort on all these modules.

finished up teh four set of applications. i wonder if i will get shortlisted given this chui result of mine. i keep telling myself not to go think abt it. concentrate on the current papers. do and prepare myself for the coming exams and interviews. but things are easier said then done. right now besides planning and keep seeing myself in the future -- what will i be like, what will i be doing.. i could not think of any pther things. i know i am alr on the track to the final exam boost but something seem to be holding me back. like what hc said, might have got to be my problem of thinking and planning. giving myself the expectations, trying to make all uncertainty SEEM certain to me.

i jus cant stop, thats the key. the poor mind jus wondered on and on. i even went so far ahead to ask myself where i should be and how should i live my life at the age of 40. i think i am seriously in deep shit. the random thoughts and crazy spin are driving me a little nutty. hmmm.. i have to control it. mavis told me being a strong think is the key. too strong that i ride my poor emotions with my thoughts and that THOUGHTS ARE ACTUALLY NOT REALITY. they are unreal. but what can i do. i really have hell lots of expectations out of myself BUT thinking here is stopping my progress in this real part of my life. vexed...

exam coming in say 3 weeks time. well.. i am again worried.

2008-10-10T12:16:00.003+08:00

pray silently...

that we will be fine.

my temper will get better.

we are happier.

and we will be happier.

will move on long ahead.

will get somewhere and to the final end.

will get a confirmation.

will get there someday.

that the love is from within.

will get an improvement.

L.i.F.e

2008-10-09T20:32:00.003+08:00

been trhough a rushing week and while every day i start off by telling myself to do intensive mugging things turns out otherwise.

tuesdays big4 networking night though helpful, was a drain out. totally drop tired after that one night. besides, the neverending networking session, i was thinking real hard about the ranking of my choices. everyone in sch is talking abt whats the first and the last choice. i din really think about it because i have so low confidence in my grades. what if i werent even shortlisted for any interview. what if i screwed up the interview. to me, though i have some preference for each of the individual firm, i understand the realistic part comes when i can tell myself that only when i was shortlisted and that the firm issue me with the offer.

ya.. i really do hope i get them... sigh if only... that 1 screwed up sem didnt take place. but its pointless now. the only things certain is that i am serious about a job and promise and definitely for god sake will mia my way through, work hard and earn money. learn, grow and marture, and the track decided as always audit. thats the few certainty till now.

skipped 306 and TCM today because again, my life, like wad daisy says, dun revolve jsu ard me and myself, i have some unspoken responsibilite sthat i feel bad if i dun do them. i cant be off in a chalet wothout worrying abt my siblings back home. i cant say i wished to stay at home to study if i know that i dun accompany my mum for breakfast, she will be eating alone in the coffeshop. i cant tell myslef that when dad is oversea, i can continue with all my going out. the feeling of having and needing to be responsible, as an eldest child, as an eldest sis, as a student, as a gf nvr ends. not that i want it to end, i jsu thought what i wanted was that everyone else is happy, happy and still happy. i wanna spend my time with no regrets, do my part, before things turns different. i dunno when all these kind of feeling came about but, i really felt i wasnt a superwoman, but still wanna achieved those. i nvr a all rounder in terms of skills and abilities. but i strived to be manage to be one when it come to the aspects responsibities, family, love and time.

guess tahts explains my opccasion breakdowns.

i wanted to mug hard for the coming 304 and 306 quiz. popquiz for 304 today was disastrous. i mean although u might have some crapping power, picking out the little mistakes in the MCQs are me real tough. the answer can be wrong jus because of a 'only' or 'most' or 'in itself' that were to subjective thus making teh option false. well, well, there are still ppl who pick it out isnt it.

304 10 mcq and 2 short ans. 15 % overall. how short is short. you need to tackle the questions rightfully. and the prof doesnt look like one who you can kid with. guess if u screw it up, she will pick on you everytime. i will study but do also wish me luck.

306 20 mcq, questions according to the mickey mouse was that it ranges form easy till rot to challenging till explode kind. hmm, the most tabao module, what to do, study...

final exams in a month time, the time when intensive readings and understandings suddenly make me turn out that i could actually undertsnad concepts but jus a little too late. the promises at the start of the sem, I WILL NOT SNOWBALL, definitely fails each and every sem. hmm.. thats life isnt it. i only have a last sem to go to say that and hope next sem i truly put this across with great success.. but i doubt so. ermm..

then the issue with us. the fact that i am rather lost in terms of the directions. the purpose thou there but sometimes i dun uds whats with all the exchanging of terrible remarks. is doing things for me so difficult? or am i the one making things difficult.. i dunno what to expect and what not to. i understand and really feel that lots of changes are made on his part. but my pt was simply -- doing it for us, doing it for me. the issue here is really about me getting angry. since i cant simply tight someone up for life, if its impt for you jus go. if i dun really like u gg out w a grp of ---- then 10 years down the road, it will still be the same. cos to me, my basic principles lies in the fact that ifi will avoid go on any trips that with friends of opp s jus alone at all cost. thats the POINT. if cant... rather make me disappointed now.

i mean i didnt feel so strongly prior to pl incident. really.. its that plus i see a grp of them. ya.. i guess its jus part of a human nature -- taking things for granted.

and for the first time, today, trashing out the thoughts on what is it tht i actually dun like, i felt rather petty and being a lousy gf. maybe simply cos i am willing to put in that much, but i now know i should not expect any returns, because tahts not being fair.

and to top things up.. i am feeling the bloody cramps. when roaring studying is supposed to come.

2008-10-02T21:43:00.006+08:00

jus saw this from my teacher's blog, he has become a father... :)

i am really happy for him, he will be a good father.. really wish him the best...

an particularly thought tht this para was so so touching... hope there is no copyright or stuff..

Marriage is the first step towards maturity. Marriage is when a person puts away his individualism and shares his entire life and lifestyle with another. Although your spouse does not rule over you, you would still voluntarily become accountable to him or her. Your time is no longer your own, so you would ask permission to spend it with friends or do frivolous things. You need to give and take, and love despite mistakes and arguments, and grow to overcome detrimental weaknesses, or at least to accomodate each other's flaws. That is the part when it is no longer "I" but "we".

Yet this is only a small part of the journey. Even between a husband and wife, the laying down of rights may not be truly selfless and unconditional. No matter how you view it, the spouse has something to offer, be it companionship, sexual affections, a listening ear, so in a way, each gets one end of the bargain, so to speak. But the moment a couple decides to have children, I think there must be a certain progress in maturity. After all, you are looking at incurring a higher cost of expenditure, interrupted sleep, potential heartache, investment of time, and many other factors that would appear as a bad deal to most people. Hence the government dangles a carrot of money to alleviate part of the pain. And all of this for a possibility of "ROI" two plus decades down the road should your child turn out filial, and intangible feelings of warmth and fuzziness of family joy. To be able to let your love crystallize into a baby is to be able to lay down your individual rights, and even your rights as a wedded couple to do your own things, without recompense but with guaranteed troubles. So all those prenatal, postnatal or whatever-natal courses, though useful in imparting skills and knowledge, are non-essential, since those from our parents and grandparents' generations never had this privilege, and didn't do a bad job, except maybe the occasional absent father. It is not about skills, or knowledge, that essentially are picked up on the job. Neither is it about finances, because when a couple says that they can't afford to have a baby, it probably means that they can't give up spending on themselves.

It is merely about the willingness to sacrifice of oneself.

i mean... thts life isnt it.

wonder my life along the way will be as such... learning to grow up and mature. happily living, working, caring and sharing.

i have to say although marriage is the first step to maturity, being in love, having a partner in yr life, studying and then graduating, working and then climbing up the ladder, getting sick and fighting the battle, all marks maturity.. different type of maturity, different levels.

2008-10-02T21:11:00.002+08:00

baddie news.. i hope i am down with gastric. really...

anw.. things getting more hectic. just got the news tht some close frens would not be able to be there for the party. quite sad but i more or less accepted that. its so cos its dec hols and most ppl planning for trip to getaway and first week of dec is definitely a good timing, before all the course registration starts. well, i not really troubled by that, cos istill have ard 50 ppl to attend too... jus rather disappointed.

seeing a little light for 306 but i know its not enough.. i take ard a day to read jus 10 pages, how is it enuff.. sigh.. getting real worried for sch and excited abt job application. i hope and pray that i will secure a job coming december. that will be another best birthday present for the year *i believe there will be many nice presents -.<* cos dear has add a lot to the list.. haha..

anw wanna start blogging on the journal...

and school.. can i pls pray or call out loud that ...may all be fine...

urge to..

2008-09-30T11:59:00.002+08:00

handwritten notes are now a no no. sigh. thought it will be more efficient if i were to read and write, as compared to read and type. not that i type vv slowly but the fact taht type means needing a laptop and a laptop imploies internet access and space required on my desk, its less efficient.

therefore the way i do it was to jus turn MS Word on and thats it.

yesterday came across a few photos thus causing my brain to reverse back to my old school days. it just felt like a sudden urge to recap all the little things that have happen past till present. i dunno.. suddenly jus have an urge to make a trip round and to the place taht i have memories for. weird isnt it? then i thought able taking photo. how can few pieces of photos bring back so so much memories. then i felt the urge to grab my newly bought cam to go on a trip.

hence there is a new addition to my list to do coming holiday. travel, study, work, job application, money, health, fitness, photography.

take thing one at a time girl. jus like i am trying hard to take one module at a time. gee... one at a time. i keeping moving forward till suddenly i jus realized i havingbeen doing myself a favour by looking back, beyond the SJ incident, back further, beyond JC life...

suddenly i got the urge once again to continue on my life journey blogging, which i cant rmb where i stop. maybe at my preschool days..?

2008-09-26T13:57:00.003+08:00

spent the whole morn today drafting out my resume and cover letter. plus getting reading all the document required to sent in for job application. its definitely a real fast kind of thing. i mean i still there thinking abt life and there the next chapter is gonna start.

i put my readings aside for time cos i thought when the sch term start it will well be another mad rush. so at least with all the preparation done, its jus sticking photos, photocopying my result and any other doc. and submitting them.

i mean my result really not that wonderful so i can only show people what qualitites i have and that the reason behind this flop was jus cos of one sem. i mean my result wasnt those that terribly terrible. so yup hopefully..

change the skin of my lap top and once again its a little small, cos i missed calculate but on the whole its better newer now. and of cos it not off centre like the previous. and for the previous cute little icecream, they are now sitting in my cal.

i bought a new pair of shoes too yesterday.. running shoes, well its an old model but the more i look at it i thoght its quite good looking. aiming to start my exercise plan. and yup the other day, i bought lots of handicraft material to cut and sew too! so excited.. looking around for new template to start doing right after exam. and maybe i should start taking uo some knitting or cook some exotic dishes.

but on the down side ( or not really down, cos these are 'essentials'), lots of work to complete at the same time.. reading, tut, lecture, sem qn, quiz...not one cleared yet .

its abt learning to tackle one thing at a time. school, study, job application, job interview work, travel, with all the exercises, appointments, fun times, leisure or hobbies, relationship and family, placed in between. is tht what we all call life?

gone for now, to do my intensive planner's plan.

2008-09-25T09:59:00.002+08:00

realized i have disappear from my blog for quite sometime.

well, i have to admit that time really flies. so fast its more than half a recess week gone. its thursday and in another 3 days time, the mad rush gonna start.

sat: after tuition, back home for a short short while and then out to meet 4d gang for a nice dinner and a good talk that lasted for like 3 hours? xr left us early because of his movie so yup, meeting up soon to celebrate hc birthday ba.

sun: rot

mon: was freaking appointment day. so by the time i am home, totally drained out, thus did nothing.

tues: i forget what have i done. jus knew that i was out the whole day for 304 proj and later met uni fiends for dinner. so whole day gone again

wed: clear up my cupboard and the pile of unsorted clothes chucked in my room. i mean i have to admit that if i were to do the packing cnstatnly there wont be so much! plus all the dust were so evil to attack my poor sensitive nose so the other day was spend sleeping to prevent fluing and did a bit of electives notes.

thurs (today): start mugging -- full strength. but i really doubt its gonna be impossible.

there are lots and lots to be done. be it readings and tut/sem practices, there are lots of networking talk coming up. plus trying to fit in all the presentation, quiz, deadlines and heavier sem materials, i think i could easily count the level of stress that might possibly increase. say by 200%? i dunno..

the problem with me is that i cant tackle one thing at a time. all the stuff that need to be done keep ringing in my mind, so much so that i cant even concentrate on jus doing one thing right at a time.

plus my stupid birthday party thingy. i hope i can jus scrap the idea. since i hate uncertainty and ppl arent replying me abt it cos i think its too early, then yup.. i am lazy to plan too. i jus wanna go on travelling, to all part of the world, but i first have to make myself fit and healthy. i am so looking forward to my travelling plans.

but of cos there comes the money issue.

2008-09-12T09:52:00.002+08:00

Apparently the 306 quiz has been postponed to two weeks after recess. not sure whether it will be held then but more or less it should be something like that.

so next week will be a smooth week then to recess week. after that one week break, the mad rush is gg to take place once again. take recess as week 8, here are my confirmed schedule.

Week 9: 304 presentation -- a little scary cos the Prof is a psycho w damn good brains *envy*

Week 10: 306 Quiz (tentative) -- worst. 306 is really vv extremely worrying. Plus the so called social night. and if that 306 is gg to be on a wed. its gg to kill all of us, since there is gg to be networking thing on tuesday.

Week 11: 304 Quiz -- not again

...

hmm, with all those, i have fitted in many med appointment and psycho session. tsk tsk.

maybe this is like going to be last 10 months before i am making my way to work everyday on the squeezy train. i always thought the lucky thing was that thou PASIR RIS is bloody far from everywhere accept tampines and hougang, the fact tht u can at least get a seat for the long packed ride, lessen my disgust of going to work w so many people in the morn. well, i can considered driving since the license is not there for nth, but be it where i work, i dun think driving is gg to help. firstly, no car. secondly, cant afford it. haha..

maybe i will miss full time studying then, maybe. i will still be learning, when work start, since i truly believe learning nvr stops. the FRSs changes, the law and act changes, the governing tests changes. what is it gg to be like then, i am alr starting to picture it. picture it. picture it. picture it. i know i have to answer to everyone i loved, i need to progress, succeed and then move on. i need money and wealth. i need more importantly health and happiness.

well well, why cant it be known. why am i so anxious to know. deading to know

the psycho was right to the fact that i really does hate uncertainty. HE or SHE whatever the gender of uncertainty is is definitely the person i hate most.

those who know the reasons, its nice that you uds me tht well.

2008-09-06T13:26:00.002+08:00

be gone for sometime...

when sch starts this monday, its alr week six.

super duperly fast.

the bad days are over. and i hope it really meant it by being over. i have so far cleared 306 presentation with 304 coming right after the recess week. but before that its gg to be another 306 quiz 1 the week after next

omg. 306 really scary and terrible. its all financial stuff and me here sucks at them. i mean i have nvr been good at financial management modules and to believe that one of my better fren in sch is taking BF double specs. well, she not taht good at organization management side. but the key here is, i still sucks at FM. oh my..

the end of year final paper is gg to be a headache as well. 3 paper in 2 days. night paper for TCm, followed by morn paper for 306 then malay night paper. then upcoming will be the intensive interview for job one after another. wee.. thats a bit scary and i am getting all stress up jus thinking abt that.

the schedule for the BIG4 thingy is out. exact date, what to do etc is all out. if u are good and i hope i am.(at least be blessed w some luck) the placement should be out before the next sem.

i sort of worry for this coming wed. my first psycho visit. well, really worried. i dun like the idea of having someone poking in and drilling me hard on the points that i hate to be reminded of. i know tahts being weak and coward. but i dun like the feeling. jus like the tj counsellor did. drilled in right at the place that hurts lots. and then i cant control anymore. hope its gg to be a better this time round.

i will work hard ba. been thinking for the past 2 hours abt what it meant to be happy. about my soon to end study, abt my relationship, about my job is gg to start in less than a year time. abt my soon to come 21st birthday. abt how much i valued him. abt the upcoming interviews, and how to handle them. abt the grad trip. abt the many many many many things that are gg to happen soon..

i really hate being such a prefectionist. cos of that i hate uncertainty tot the core. cos of that i cant take things one at a time. because of that i wish and hope things to be smooth sailing.. BUT it is because of that that i am able to be who i am today. be taking accountancy, be writing neatly, by being organised.. by being the eldest in the family, by being such strong thinker. BUT... (its nver gg to end, there are both good and bad ways to everything)

2008-08-30T17:54:00.000+08:00

we will make it through. i seriously hope. the road may not be smooth but let it be. the plans we have, the dreams we weaved. lets hope it will be fine.

thou worried, thou scared. i decided to give it a try. i might be silly, but i know the feeling. the feeling that cant be fake. its kind of like an irony. but yup. the feeling that has been there.

i pray silently once again. i believe you. i really do. will god believe in us. i believe he will if we were meant to be. if we do our best.

2008-08-30T17:44:00.007+08:00

醒着像睡着躺着像思考晨昏颠倒
敢情太单调竟然是烦恼如何是好
也许来阵风雨花谢满地
黯然神伤的困扰
可以刺激那颗浑浑噩噩
失去了烈火激情的大脑
吹风就感冒淋雨就发烧
有爱就好

我不再逃空虚日子这一路都在熬
也许爱情就是熟能生巧

你绝对想不到我多渴望
让生活染上一些颜料
是红橙黄或蓝靛紫都好
一圈一圈的围绕
终于能自在的坦承说爱你
火一点就燃烧
怎么刺激那颗浑浑噩噩
失去了烈火激情的大脑
吹风就感冒淋雨就发烧
有爱就好

我不再逃空虚日子这一路都在熬
也许爱情就是熟能生巧
你绝对想不到我多渴望
让生活染上一些颜料
是红橙黄或蓝靛紫都好
一圈一圈的围绕
终于能自在的坦承说爱你
火一点就燃烧

我不再逃空虚日子这一路都在熬
也许爱情就是熟能生巧
你绝对想不到我多渴望
让生活染上一些颜料
是红橙黄或蓝靛紫都好
一圈一圈的围绕
终于能自在的坦承说爱你
火一点就燃烧
火一点就燃烧

2008-08-23T17:54:00.002+08:00

ending the most wonderful story you can get

she really wanna let him know that he has hurted her lots.

but when she closed her swollen red eyes and feel the rhythms of this beautiful world.

she heard a voice calling out to her.

she realized how much she had loved him and how important it is to her.

she hopes he read it, read what she had left for her.

she thank god, for the memories and the happiness.

she drop her last tears, one that could hardly squeezed out from whatever opening that is left.

"i still hope he doesnt go, doesnt hurt me but i still love him." she said

2008-08-21T21:50:00.002+08:00

i really dun wanna to lose this vv important part of my life. really dun wan to..

two days ago i thought why not let go

well, it hurts a lot then, but that pair of warm hands brought me back on track.

know it the challenge between the dreams

its jus one me.

there might/ might not be plentiful of opportunities

i know i am selfish

vv, vv, extremely selfish

my heart hurts as every second ticks by

what will be the answer.

to god i pray. silently.

2008-08-16T14:47:00.004+08:00

2 weeks of school done...

the whole sem which is make up of 14 weeks are 1/7 gone.

so far my timetable are ok. supposed to be one of the best le. but i still having some trouble living with the on-off migrane of mine. yup.

was surfing around and suddenly i jus felt rather empty. i guessed many times things said are easy, to get it done is real difficult. i keep telling myself to be confident. not bother that much but guess it cant be help. maybe i am jus easilt jealous. too sensitive. expect too much. but is it all wrong to do that.

i feel that giving is something that shouldnt be asked for. its natural and willingly done. but i feel that i have been talking too much. so much that sometimes i jus try to psycho myself that all i heard were true. and when things turn out otherwise, it really hurts.

what do i mean by being giving. to me is that i respect the other person. set the priority right. no secrets. it might also imply that if he/she hurt me, i take it real hard. real hard but i choose toremain silent. do you love a person simply because she is nice to talk to? or that she is too easy to get. to you like a person because he is there for you to complain? or that he always tell you sweet little things. or was it because \whenever in need, the first person that strike you is him.

i think all these are reasons but not the main reasons. you can easily find a girl that is nice to talk to, you can say you are not good at words yet willingly wanna strike a conversation w other girls. you might feel that she is easy to get, so you toy with her feelings. you might think he is there to listen to your complain, but there are others out there who are better listener. or it might turn out to be a disaster when he cant even be found or reached. sweet little things out from the mouth, doesnt equates to that of the heart.

so whats the real and actual reasons of staying together, to believe that he/she is the right one in yr life. i always thought i knew it. been through the so called toughest ns period. been through the so called honeymoon period right at the start. but suddenly this statement from my teacher strike me.

"you love the person for who he/she is, not what you are when you are with him"

is this ever right? this sentence is what i have been living with for this past years. does it make me happier, or it make more a fool. i not sure. really not sure leh.

one thing i can be real sure is that, when it hurts, each and everytime i think about it, and indeed it hurts so much, i knew that he still affects me a lot. and affects me implies that he still took a up a huge piece in my heart.

2008-08-08T11:19:00.002+08:00

it gg to be alright.. i need confidence trust and belief.

i need to be strong.

be confident.

and to reach out far in life.

i hope i hear things right. and i hope i will have the answer by today. and from there move on fresh. be it whatever the final decision is. never agian mentioned the LBO thing. never.

i seriously have puffy goldfish eyes. so much so that yup.. i can understand what it feel like to have something stuck in within the eyes. so irritatingly uncomfortable.

2008-08-07T09:37:00.001+08:00

我只希望，他能了解我现在的心情。

真的好希望。

2008-08-06T20:42:00.003+08:00

today was my first lecture. yup year 3 really different. first lecture go in straight to the main stuff le. double entries calculation etc.

it really kind of sucks not seeing or cant really keep in contact w him. i dunno.. but it did pissed me off a little. well maybe he doesnt know his priority right. or maybe it didnt occur to him that its jus make me seem like an idiot. i am so sick and tired of it. i know this might sound rather selfish...

but whats the feeling like when ppl accompanying u ard for yr first week wasnt him but everyone else..

i met ed on my way to sch on train. catch up a little and then al called me. she helped me get my notes and yup i have to rmb still owe her 4 bucks. then met ah pek and he went with me to class. then he acc me to submit my report and aft that dessert eating session. all these while i tried vv hard to get him. the long stretch of say easily 3 hours?

sigh..

maybe i jus need the kind of feeling that he is ard. the feeling is enuff but sadly no. he chose this against that. i dunno. the msg received is always on the line of being sorry cos not free yada yada.. jus one week of sch and things turns out this way. to believe that i still chose this route jus like less than a week ago. what life going to be like...

jus received the msg that many ppl has pon or gg to pon the camp. while ppl can let go he couldnt. maybe its really impt to him. i dunno.. jus said something that he felt lazy of travelling 2 hrs back and that they are planning things for tmr so that they wont leave be more engaged and to prevent more people from pon-ing.. guess my feeling now. yup.

maybe he never thought of the feeling i will get, i guess..

when people can leave he couldnt. thats abt it. he knew whats my timetable like this first week. he didnt bother. i jus seem like an ass huh.

on days when he is free at home, 15 mins without my reply, he re smsed me. on days when he is having fun, 3 hrs no reply still nothing. haha. thats how significant i am once again.

on the other hand, maybe i never thought how significant all these is to him..

everything from his mouth cant be believed. really make disappointment larger.

sigh...

to believe tmr after the 730 class there with me is not gg to be him too. its ok... sometimes things have to be like that.. people ard me is like not gg to be him but anyone else.

isnt this sad. maybe if i am alone.. things will be better. and i wont think too much. cos when on the first day there is so many things to share, i have no one to talk to, how you tell me not to think. teach me.

2008-08-05T18:40:00.002+08:00

jus came back from KLP.

it sorta of sucks to realize that there are all this kind of &^*%$%@# ppl ard. haha.. but i got quite use to it. it is a selfish world. competitive. practical and sometimes unreasonable. ha.. i am not

then went to meet aunt at bugis. shop ard and bought quite a number of things. well, she got it for me. and i am vv thankful for her. glad to have so many ppl supporting me. although she knew nothing much, just tht something is not vv right, stress up and stuff, she bother asking me out jus for lunch. and things really come together.. and i so believe in fate.

dunno what else to talk abt.

may all things be smooth and sch starts tmr.

will be seeing more familiar faces this sem.

must work super hard le. cos my grade really cmi.

and things seem difficult this sem.

2008-08-04T09:17:00.002+08:00

things were in a whirling pool of madness..

i cant exactly rmbed what hasor had happened butthe situation now is that. me here is suffering from some physocological thing. am aking medicine and it seem that my migrane has gotten worst.

its better now. better than the past few days. thanks to those who have supported me through.

because of all these rubbish, i thought of holding back this relationship of mine. decide to stop sch for a sem. and decide to find the supposed meaning and happiness in life.

i guess i have to admitted that here i am as a stressful person with pessimistic personality, i have to move on w life thinking positively and being brave. the medication helps. at least i less emotional. think lesser abt the death and health. and when the dosage steps up this fri, think it will be much better.

i am still learning..

today marks the start of year 3 -- my last year. next year this time, i have started the next chapter of my life and yup handling things in a very different manner. thinking of this make me headache. then, i have less control over my life. the fact that studying seems much enjoyable is cos we dun have the so called boss to answer to. we jus have to answer to ourselves. life goes on..

i dunno how shld things move on. but i guess i better stop thinjkingthat much. i cant leh.. a lotof things sure whirl through my mind repeatedly. this is came anxiety and second degree depression. i hope i can get over it. fast but forever.

dear assured me to move on. i shld believe him isnt it. he is off for his orientation week and its a semi camp so he will only be back home on tues and fri. hope he is fine there and have fun. he wanted me to be strong, jus like how my parents wants me to. i smiled lesser. emo-ed myself out easily recently. these arent bringing benefits to others. and worst, making me terrible.

i will slowly move out of it. at least i hope. the doc say give myself 3 months. i have to. the shelf on the outside tell others that i am ok. but deep in the tunnel, within me, it gloomy and dark. messy and confusing. i got to be braver. i have the fear and the phobia.

i decided to move on w my sch. make it thru. i am a little confused as to how to continue. but nevertheless, i am still here. standing and hoping things are fine.

2008-07-24T09:28:00.005+08:00

have a good talk and a good thought.

i will go for professional help. whatever way to make myself happy.

and i really wanna be. i shall be strong. and i am glad taht i receve all the supports from my loved ones -- my family and him.

jia you, me.

face it cos what yours is yours. its jus part of life isnt it.

the top 10 worries in my mind cant disappear in a day. i cant get rid of them easily. or maybe not at all. all i can do now is to change them to hope. hope instead of worry. positive instead of negative. aim and goals to strive for instead of stress.

i really pushed myself a lot. abit too much.

health. wealth. love. family.friends. make up my happiness. i think i miss the last impt consideration -- myself.

how to answer for myself.

there are lots to each and every section. so much.

hmmm... i will be fine, i hope and i believe i should and can at least try to walk myself out of this. being happy is the key. how abt i really wanna be happy. to live on andd see this beautiful world ahead. travel round the world if possible, blessed with a wonderful family, have a lovely relationship, financially sound. and a good health.

2008-07-21T15:45:00.002+08:00

first day i am home with no work.

hmm seem to be suffering from some withdrawal symptoms. at a lost as to wad to do. jus feel like nua-ing. but in actual fact, i i do have quite of lot of things to do.

check the status of my testimonial when school start in august.
write my PA report
check on my modules readings and texts
catch up on some shows
sleep well and good (stop hurting my neck in the night)
sort up my cupboard and clothes for school.

quick get these done.

most of my guys friends our age will be at camps. then the girls and senior guys organising the camps. if not, they will be either still having PA or that they are somewhere in another country playing and having fun.

me.. i have a whole list of activities lined up. MEDICAL APPOINMENTS after MEDICAL APPOINTMENT.

22 Jul -- allergy challenge

23 Jul -- neuro dpt

25 Jul -- derm dpt

31 Jul -- artiritis dpt

and today suddenly, i felt that i missed school badly. sch as in presch, primary school. real badly.

oops and i havent have the time to continue blogging abt my life in pri sch.

handicraft session

2008-07-16T09:10:00.003+08:00

i made some handcrafted gift for my seniors.. stayed up super late till like midnight to spray paint, cut sew, pin whatever. luckily for all this my end product is still presntable and i have quite some help from him. thanks lots.

yup didnt expect it to be vv much appreciated. really, but ya i love making then and hope that they like it can le.

place on the table since half of them are nt in office.

i am happy that things goes on fine till the last week. 2 more days to go.

realized that there is a need to go for shopping since 50% of my wardrode clothes are 'un-wearable'.

i am glad i am moving on with life. taking this internship quite alrite. things will wheeled in one aft another. i cant anticipated it but i will face it. life short isnt it. most impt is to like it with the greatest happiness and to me that means, love family, health and success.

and ya as for us, its really vv painful and scary. there are a lot of 'yet-s'. vv unsure abt what will happen in the future yet hoping it to be sure. hurt yet hurt even more if hang on. thought u understood yet shocked abt u not knowing it at times. wish to let it go yet have a millions of bu she de.

there's the feeling, but need the security, the belief that i can leave myself to u.

never felt worst this feel day. so much so that i cant get myself to eat much.

weirdo

2008-07-14T15:48:00.002+08:00

both me and the other intern took turn to fall sick.

i mean really fall sick.

ok la.. not really sick.

jus my nose itch to the max

but ask dear not to miss me anymore. he said couldnt help it. EPoS!!!

later will make a trip down to ps to shop for intern farewell gift. dun really feel like spending but then i should at least.

been thinking abt my birthday and got this plan tht seem vv workable at least for now.

then also, thinking of booking chalet for sept during recess week for the fun eclub peep. dint have enuff of mj taht day. and yup the thing abt me should nt gamble still stays w me. a 4 plus hr long close to 5 hours. neet win/loss = 0. total waste of time right. but its better than losing and my dearest B2 loss the most. haha. and he took like 1 plus hrs to walk home. HAHA! ah pek is ah pek man. hope to see them real soon. hope not aft my notes cos u know i really sincerely treat them wor.

the extra card episode does shocked me a little. well, honestly, he is right, although i try vv hard not to care. it will still affect me by a tiny weeny bit. really. i didnt expect you to be like that. well, it reallly seem like too afraid to admit defeat. i dun really like that. but wht to do? stir a whirlpool out jus cos of this? i not sure. i jus hope thats nt yr true self.

be back soon w memories path.

when i was jus a little girl...

2008-07-13T21:22:00.004+08:00

first cry: 7 december

then i cant remember anything much. just heard from my parents that my mum been thru a lot trying to give birth to me. so yup. it was a hard time and after trying vv hard to get me out naturally, the doc decide to op me out instaed. and by the time i was out, i already has an alienish head that looks vv like a corn (a result from all the force and pressure when trying to get me out) and my dad first comment was "ewww, so ugly de." haha. and yup that me.

for the rest of my toddler years, i couldnt vv much remember, cos i dun have super good memory and i believe even with super good memory we cant rmb it too for sure. i dunno when i started to do my first flip, when i first started to crawl, or when i stood my first step. but i knew from young, my family has one extra member. thats back then. our dearest doggie - sandy. she is a dear. a very nice chihuahua that was there in my house even before i was born. she is so small that she can hide in any corner of the house or jus sleep next to me without being a threat. because of my arrival, she has 'suffered' quite sometime. cos love is on me then.

mum continued to work. so at an age of dunno what? i was brought to my babysitter. i call her 'auntie mama' and she is a caring and sweet woman. she herself has 4 daughters and now most of them has settled down and has a family on their own. its a pity taht i didnt visit her tht often le(ard 2-3 years). dunno how she is doing -- maybe when i am free i should pop down once again. i was liek the first kid she looked after and i was a good girl (haha!) back then so yup she took into another boy - 'Hong Hong' to look after. we played together with her youngest daughter -- Chew Ting, everyday after her school. both of us always look forward for her coming back cos she will bring us down and then she will buy snacks for us. the first snack that i got and rmbed till know will be the crab flavoured snack, you know those kid taht u seen mixed in kacang putih. Love them to bits. it cost like jus 50 cents the most for a huge packet. so yup we always munch on our way back.

thats in hougang. where all the good food is. now stalls had shifted and it got harder to locate wher have they moved to. but whenever i am back there, i will pig myself up. wolf everything i can grab hold on. thats explain my size now.

thinking of which, before i start on my kindergarten days, i should mentioned abt neighbours back then. they were friendlier and yup of cos there is more interaction. our family were particularing close with this teochew family one floor above ours. there werent lift on every floor back then so we have to take the steps up a floor where this family lived. my mum called the mother of the family Ah Huang. but till now i still dunno whether thats cos of their surname. anyway, there are 2 kids in the family, the eldest - a girl, ard my age and the younger - a boy closer to my bro age. we were quite close and we always go over to each other place to play. but i always rmb how my bro got super irritated by that boy. HAHA. my bro call the boy "OR KI" which means mole in hokkien cos the boy has a mole and that he always thinks he is super adult and thus 'vv no big no small'. ge has the habit of calling my bro 'Ah boy" when he is like younger than my bro, to my bro only the adults can call him that so they always end up having verbal wars but still they had lots of fun playing together. kids ma. haha...

oops, jus realized i move abi too fast le. my bro was out only when i was in preschool.. haha. so i fast forward a little too much le .will touch on preschool in the next entry. till now i hve touch on approximately 4 to 5 years of my life. vaugue memories jus some points thts worth mentioning. :))

...===...===...

as for today. i did nth much. jus know that i need to be fit and ya and that the tuition kid owe me money which ya. i am broke know how? tmr must go draw le.

made a trip to the temple and yup when i threw the thing, greatgrandma indicate to me the implication of my dreams. maybe its jus conincidence. or maybe she is telling me to live life to the fullest as for now. when the time is up, its time. live with no regret.

2008-07-11T14:43:00.003+08:00

i thought i wanted to start on what i have been through all theses 20 close to 21 years. but there are some events that happen these few days that are worth mentioning.

for work, i have been staying in office for quite sometime. well, it quite a different experiences since first half of my internship is spent at client office and i have been to quite a number of places. the office seem to have too few case now so i guess its the so called off peak period. hmm.. so i helped Dar (tax and acct senior out). She is such a sweet lady and she is vv nice. I helped her with my company's account which is suppose to be vv confidential and of cos it is vv confidential so yup. but i didnt take a closer look at it cos i was jsu busy matching numbers after numbers. Darli got me a handphoen pounch and Ying coming back from KL bought me more Ma ti shu ( water chestnut biscuit thingy, if u directly translate) cos she knew i like it. vv nice of them. but work cant get any better. maybe cos there isnt real work for quite sometime.

i know i am quite an ass, complaining when there is lots of work and also complain when i dun have any. haha. but i guess at least for me, i am such an ironic person.

currently working on translation for Yu and yup its from chinese to eng since the whole firm cant really handle chi. ok i was once from AHS, and my chi is still ok. its translating a whole stack of audit programmes so its quite tough since there is a lot of accounting terms that i am not sure of in chinese. i can understand what they are saying -- pure reading the chinese. but the thing is my accounting concept plus auditing concept is still not powerful to pick it up right away. so if i have been better, it will be smooth cos i understand ma.

as for personal life, hmm met up with 4D peeps yesterday. its was good to be back with them. its a vv small grp and we are sort of weird. i will elaborate more when i start my MEMORIES ENTRIES. haha. but it was quite fun. except there is this one piece of shocking yet not so shocking news. i dunno why but i thought i expected it a little.

what else?...

for sch, i got my timetable the one that i chose and stupid me thought that i have the same plan as AL but in the end i remember my code wrongly. but cos of what i choose i can have more options in term of electives. i hope i can get what i want if not i am gg to appeal to get malay at least. *pray pray*. lots of people are starting sch with me this coming year. the guys of our batch etc. i am excited cos more people are in and there is more discussion. but yet i am afraid of my own gpa. i really have to pull it up at least and be the thrash man.

i think i did mention a lot of times that i wish to go into the future and see what i will be like in the years to come. haha. i really thought that will be wonderful then i can predict all the pain that i am gg to face, all the up and down that i will meet with, all the happiness and joy that i will encounter and make good decsions with all these known. but i know that is impossible. trust me. at this age now, not to say that i am super old, or old at all, i really thought i wanna know what i will be like, what should i be like and what do i want myself to be like.

be back to write abt my memories soon. hope i can start soon. then i will end off with an entry on my expectation of myself in life. end off as in not shutting down my blog la. bravo. haha.

2008-07-06T14:44:00.002+08:00

sort of get over it le. i guess partly because of PMS and all those extra stress at workplace and stuff, it has been quite a bad time for me. well, jus have to be patient and look at the bright side of everything. life is forever irony. while i tell myself not to think too much, i cant help but to think alot once again. think worry bugs made up a huge part of my brains.

been thinking abt how i wan my 21st to be. maybe a trip oversea, a chalet, or not celebrate at all. rmb once zh told me - to him, 21st is just like any other day, the next year this date, u will be 22. so whats so special. actually quite true isnt it.

2 more weeks to the end of internship. well, abt half the sch would have end internship--those that took up an 8 week attachment. i have 2 weeks to go. i dunno if i will miss the people ard. i doubt so. but i will miss work and the chance given to me to learn more.

i bet for my timing and i got what i wanted. quite happy abt that. now i jus hope i can get the TCM elective and ya the NIE electives. they are really what i want!. made my timetable nice and they are those taht i will believe and will definitely like. please let me have it.

GPA went up abit and there is still abit more to catch up. i dun wanna waste my 3 years ma. and i will sure regret if i dun leave with an hon. i know its kind of being vv practical but yup, i feel tht i can only ans myself and not feel so guilty for doing poorly in year 1 sem 2 due to sickness.

well, i jus hope everything jus goes on smoothly. last year of sch, work (next year this time), family. fufill my dreams as i go along at the same time. my aims in life.

i shall start blogging abt my life from where i could remember -- presch till uni soon. recap what i have been doing at this 20 close to 21 years. great memories.

2008-07-03T20:17:00.004+08:00

sometimes is really a lot different when we i meant I start to grow older.

maybe i started off as someone like that.

i have to answer to everyone. i jus have to.

everything i do seems wrong. life is getting meaningless.

i jus know i enjoy being with myself and jus myself stoning there.

then i wish i have a lot of things to do jus to pass my time. so much so that i will jus sit there and then let time slowly eat into me.

i really feel like slamming myself hard on the wall.

i really jus feel like dying from stress.

how abt i jus feel like jus dropping there died.

the urge dun come that often. but now i do feel it at times.

its bad.

maybe all of a sudden all the comfort, security and nice feeling i have were gone.

really really really. i jus feel that i am all an extra.

2008-06-30T09:09:00.004+08:00

my little wish

a bad dream after a bad episode.

i am so afraid and fearful now.

till words cannot explain. lets hope it got nth to do with my brain or blood. and that the terrible fear will jus shooed- go away. plus i will no longer experience pain every month.

i still have a lot of things that i wanna do in life.

please let me be fit and be healthy. be good and be safe. be loved and be strong.

2008-06-26T11:12:00.002+08:00

all i can say is freaking waste of my time. its brainless. useless for an audit.

when things can be simplified once u are at client office, to me prelimary understanding will be enough.

its abt sampling isnt it. why track every single invoices. its not many but there is at least 100 to 200 plus. dun make sense at all. jus loads of rubbish. cant understand why things must work in such a manner. cant talk back coa i am an intern.

sucks. waste of time.

no wonder time cost are always burnt.

no wonder there is always a need for OT.

pray hard i better not have to work with people of such working style next time.

and i have a freakingly puffed up eyes.

i feel so retarded.

so much so that i keep crying for the past 2 days.

everything doesnt goes on smoothly.

add too much pressure on myself le.

i dun even understand the significance of doing it. well, i shall jus tolerate. learn it the hard way. be happy, i am here to learn isnt it.

trying hard to psycho myself.

but is still looking forward to life at big4 thou i know there might be more sucky workers, teammates since we cant run away from it. but i am there to work for money and learn. i know its gg to be tired. but ya i need to work hard to forward my 6 dreams in life. yet be happy at the same time isnt it difficult.

2008-06-24T10:53:00.002+08:00

the whole morn its 'xiao mei' 'xiao mei' 'xiao mei'..

two and a half hours into work i have opened 2 files/cases with all the audit program. tidy up up staff costs schedule, and photocopying report -- more to come.

more job is definitely good. but i feel a little spinning from doing work too fast

bp sure have dropped quite a bit.

exercising starts after work.

and of course happiness is when i received a message saying thank you and that he loved it.

:))

2008-06-23T11:22:00.002+08:00

4 more weeks before internship end.

i cleared a number of case. of cos not by myself but i sure do learn quite a bit. but the learning curve is decreasing exponietially. jus getting more and more familiar each time. but i was given the P/L to do not others of cos. since B/S is suppose to be more tedious and higher risk.

i know we cant expect much. but sometimes the idea of stoning in the poffice at the control of others is definitely nt vv nice. but i guess thats where we have to start w. being the youngest, least experience. be it in big 4 or anywhere else. this is gg to be the case.

things has smoothens out. i guess any r/s will bound to have ups and downs. i jus hope. jus hope. the same hope. guess dear is right. i am afraid to step any deeper cos i know it will be a painful fall if anything happen. but if i let go of it anytime, its gg to be gone forever.

yestarday eclub peeps meet up to celebarte the birthday of our Mr. Smiley. well, i was a little sick still from the flu bug i caught last week. so ya. i know i sang horrendously. not that i sang well when i am fine but sure yesterday was terrible. hope yr enjoyed himself and ya. its jus a simple thing. for a while there will not be any birthday celebration. at least for what i know now unless its uni friends. cos i guess everyone is so busy with internship to really catch up.

meeting up w eclub people is really fun. i guess they really made up a huge part of my memories back in JC. i dunno if the others thought so too but it so for me. we might be close back then but now its kind of a little different. spur me thinking as to whether how long that will be. you dun see yr parents meeting up with their friends that often right? haha. maybe thats what people usually call, changes observed during the different stages of life. hopefully, we as a grp will have a chance to go overseas before we move on to the next chapter of our life.

see, i really think too too much.

i like to plan ahead. i no i am not someone that practise magic and wizardry ( i dunno what u call that). so things ahead sure seem uncertain. but i am those kind that really cant take things one at a time. i hate a whole list of things sitting on my desk awaiting me to clear them. thus, i will complete things to a chapter, if not fully before i move on to another. maybe that explain why during exam period its ultra duperly stress. since u see all the modules' notes on desks awaiting you to clear yet dunno how to start.

i am always confused then.

i am selfish too. wants things fast, greedy for more. thats explain my ever present worried-ness. so much so that it got too obvious recently. i worry abt anything under the sun till mum scolded me the other day. HAHA! then my parents keep telling me to relax. and of cos my weekly trip to the chi doc prove so too. my BP is so low. and ya plus some part of my pulse tells the anxiety in me. the doc from clinic and hospitals suspects some anxiety too and that i am suffering from some migrane. lots of things huh.

but i think one day i dun go think abt all these. i must have been a changed person. HAHA i carry a lot of responsibilities that i feel i should. i wont drop them but maybe i will consider sharing. but i dunno how to share with others so i accept it.

and ask me if work is stressed? my life is stress? i will tell u no. cos i ahve been living with this kind of 'habit' for god-knows-when. i still know i am happy. jus a little dangerous. haha.

oops, its such a long entry while at work. oops. haha.

2008-06-17T14:49:00.002+08:00

now in office..

i really really hope i have more more cases and really practical and useful stuff to do.

back in office is sianz.

and u cant opening rot yr time away.

recently something quite sad happen. well, i cant really say that i am ok now. i will be bluffing bu the thing is such that i cant get myself up at times.

i dun wanna do PAF anymore. but wthat to do. that stupid time cost. i feel rather retarded once back at office. but the good thing si that this kind of day only occur like twice to thrice every week.

time to plan timetable.

i really hope evrthing will be fine. and that it gg to move on from this point. not jus because i dun wanna waste my past years's effort. not because of the hanging feeling that i have. not because i can bear to leave it behind. but because it will work out fine.

its such a long way. so long that i dun dare to face it. so afraid and scared. i tried to be normal but at times i really cant do that. i will sit there and stone. thinking of it jus hurts.

work jus make it worst. i jus hope i have millions of things to do. so that i wouldnt think.

and of cos to learn from there. i am not making full use of the fact that i am loving auditing.

i sound a little bian tai. so workacholic. the fact is that. i jus wanna learn. experience audit. and i hate to act busy. acting is difficult. that explain the blunt me.

2008-06-05T20:33:00.002+08:00

work been quite packed, besides the episode of 'ozone poisoning' all was fine. i braved thru the monthly cramp with some difficulty but at least its over.

been holding quite a number of case. tough but learning thru practical is really better. and seniors do pass me 'real stuff' to do. i am learning and i am treasuring this chance.

results out today. normal average. i still hobver ard this normal grade. if not for the 2.8 sem. i would have been fine. but lets not look back. there is nth much we can do too. i mean i can do.

understanding audit, believing that its gg to be my job. and my second responsibility is to take good care abt myself. say no and remain strong. bring back myself to what i was 3 years back. the kind of 'dun say weak, spirit.

i am starting to see the road ahead of mine. stress, challenge, satisfaction. i am sosososo gg to be strong. face it.

saw doc today, he advised me on a diff approach.

whatever it i. i say THREE, pls let it come true.

singing session on sat was relaxing. for that 3 hrs i knew i never thought abt anything else.

-..-..-..-

这是一首简单的小情歌

唱着人们心肠的曲折

我想我很快乐

当有你的温热

脚边的空气转了

唱着我们心头的白鸽

我想我很适合当一个歌颂者青春在风中飘着

你知道就算大雨让这座城市颠倒

我会给你怀抱

受不了看见你背影来到

写下我度秒如年难捱的离骚

就算整个世界被寂寞绑票

我也不会奔跑

逃不了最后谁也都苍老

写下我时间和琴声交错的城堡

最后谁也都苍老

2008-05-24T19:17:00.002+08:00

i love weekends.

the part that i can nua at home.

but sat training start this week. so i am back in office at 830. well, i am always the earliest in office so is being locked outside.

i have to bring some job back

well, getting a little use to the life.

it hard to explain. love and hate.

i am so so burnt out and drained out.

2008-05-21T19:57:00.002+08:00

time cost -- the thing that blocked our intern's learning path

luckily, i still got to go and see another aspect of auditing -- cash count they call it at some jackpot. its a chaotic process!

super tired.

all i know is slp and work.

starting to worry abt my future life being like this.

maybe its abt getting use to this. an office job but something more than this. you have to sell the knowledge, think straight and concentrate.

thinking alot abt my future. really a lot.

its time to sort it out.

and i am becoming different. hanging on to different thoughts. so ppl that think otherwise from me can choose not to discuss anything related to money, family, life and happiness. what i said abt regarding these four topics are solely personal and yup of cos difficult for ppl to understand.

mature way beyond my age -- thats the term snr used.

well, good and bad.

good: i managed to see it early, as its a thing that most ppl are sure to see it when older.

bad: more stressed up, lesser opportunity to enjoy life as a young adult ( since you are no longer 'young') --> grow old too fast

realised my sentences are rather choppy.

2008-05-19T13:22:00.004+08:00

"Sometimes being single can be a good thing."

saw this on xh's blog and realized ya sometimes we do really have this feeling. we might just reduce the unhappiness and worries possible in a r/s. well, thats just sometimes. we have to admit that at time things get abit tired, esp when every little things rushed in making it hard to handles.

ok that was random.

this weekend was somthing i so look forward in. a break a rest. there's a lot of hsework to be done at home but i was feeling rather burnt out. my senior said its cos we are not use to it. i dun usually slp on train since i felt insecured and uncomfortable but this week was really an exception. onto the train and off i am in dreamland.

yesterday i did some tution which nearly made me puke blood cos i really felt real stressed trying to help the kid improve. anw its ok.. i been with them thru like 2 years plus? i made improvement jus not enuff. language is difficult to teach.

then, i met bomb boy to go orchard. been there 2 day in a row cos i acc my mum there the previous day. afterwhich, to meet uni friend at marina for pizza hut dinner. hmm.. this grp are the closer ones in uni and yup did a lot of talking. we shared abt PA, abt health issues and also abt life as an accountant. took some pictures and dear went to the library to wait for me -- so that i have someone to go home with since all my other friends stayed in the north and western part of spore.

how as acc students are easily satisfied?

gera: so my sister said that KP was good, isnt it
meit: yea.. XXX has been psychoed to join KP aft graduation.
gera: thats good
me: so what so good?
meit: simply because the working hour after a year was still alright.
me: really?
meit: yes. she said that there were only a few instances where she stayed till 2 am. the rest was ok
me: so what's ok?
gera: norm -- 10pm to 11 pm.

wonderful!

2008-05-17T11:46:00.003+08:00

pheww.. one week of PA went past...

totally tired. till having flu le wor..

everyday is like war for me. flipping files, photocopying, report-writing, asking for information and evidence, etc. never been more tired then this. and of cos suddenly u understand why studying is less tiring. stress between work and school are comparable. if not more stressed. but hours are longer. u have to wake up early and u have to last the time spent.

u lost contact witht the entire world, immersed in the huge files and constant working out solutions to your case. the fact that we intern has no prior audit backgrd. things are a bit more messy. even the simplest audit job can be tiring. and of cos the worst torture would be my body. tired both physically and mentally.

then there the feeling of gg crazy. when u want help from clients and u receive shitty reply that u werent sure if they were just trying to bs u. the only comfort: i experienced audit and i understand that this is what i am gg to be like in the near future -- 1 year. and that i like the sense of satisfaction and the challenge. my idea of being an auditor still has not been changed.

well, every job can be stressful. the only thing is that audit is a demanding job. you stand for long hours, attired in the uncomfortable heels and suit ( still ok. getting used to it) climbing up down, kneeling, squatting sitting everywhere, flipping thru poorly organized records most of the time ( if not thick and bulky ones), and then has only 1/2 hr break. and u have to smile at those people who u lunched with because you need their assistance but of cos they are of nt much help.

so so going to invented the smallest bed possible and the smallest pack slippers available..

and weekends rocks.

sleep all i want

have a only long weekends for the whole 10 weeks. and yup next week sat is also training day. loving it. -.-

and to know that big 4 is approximately 3 times worst off. working hours till 12am at least. clients are bigger and richer. more demanding. more deadlines. more cases. more disclosure. bUT with a little more morning earned and at least more ppl working with you. its team work at least. ok. in for audit when young and accountanting.. we should wait and see how long can i last. haha.

tired to the max.

stressed level max

crazy attack max

challenges max

satisfaction max

audit. :)

at least for now.

2008-05-12T20:53:00.002+08:00

today's first day at work.

let me jus do some relating since its the first day.

i never took up any office job besides volunteering at charity organisations and working in school as relief so this is my first time really experiencing this office experience.

event 1:
early in the morning, for the first time, i didnt wake up on time as i have planned to. think it's cos i was so tired. i rushed out and there in heels, i run after the bus 81 but the driver drove off. so i sat at the bus stop will a half sore feet. then no more bus 81. i was a little panicky so i called dear - waking him up. then, i decided to cab down.

event 2:
the freakingly ex cab ride cost 10 bucks to kovan. and while i debate whether to get the concession pass i decided to rush to work first since cant possibly be late on the first day. then half way on the train ride, i received a sms wishing me luck. it's something happy to receive, esp on the train right so squeezy. morning train to work is irritating. and then worst, i have stomach ache.

event 3:
finally at the company. i was there first and met another intern at the door way. then we sat in there to wait for our mentor. she never appear (till now i still not sure if that lady is her). then after some long wait, we were brought ard for a less than 10 mins orientation, we were jus told, anything jus ask.

event 4:
1 intern goes to the tax dept with a mentor, then me the the girl to the audit dept. we were left alone for quite some time then the senior said she gg to bring only 1 of us out to meet the client and tats she choose the other girl, so i am left in office to read a super big ring file of an audit case -- seafood trading. interesting but tiring.

event 5:
some photocopying

event 6:
finally work -- assist in audit reports

lessons learn for the day:

if teachers favourite stationary is red pens and markers, then an accountant is PENCIL.
audit seems fun. at least for now, checklists fun too! interesting. its the kind of job i want.

2008-05-07T20:41:00.002+08:00

bought 2 suits for a price of ONE. good bargain but i spent lots of time.

ok PA shopping shld more or less come to an end. at least it will be ok and last be for ard 5 weeks. plus next sem i wont have to worry abt not having enuff presenation attire to wear. cupboard seem to be baoing soon!

thankfully for dear. he saved me. by a lot. well, he is just being nice. being very nice. accompanying me to wherever i wanna go. sponsoring. and listening to my nonsense crap (whole load) about how much saving is he going to get if he sponsor and be nice to me.

and of cos the part about THEORY of spoiling me.

responsiblilty.

:)

2008-05-05T19:23:00.002+08:00

woash..

PA shopping went by. i am all tired and still tired.

i managed to get a number of stuff, from bads, to office dress to whatever little things i need.

most of the things came from my dearest sponsor - dear. THANKS.

i would not be able to imagine how it will be like.

today i went on a trial trip to the workplace. pretty accessible. but while travelling, i have a rather mixed feeling. why am i on earth doing this? oh my, i have reach the stage to go to work, armed with files in office attire and make up. sianz. i am like 20 now. let me enjoy abit ma. haha. plus, dad has always been there to ferry me from pt A to B everytime. since young and now i have to wake up and squeeze with the morning traffic? &*%$^$ i am lazy and spoilt.

then i thought i cant possibly drive since first, no car, secondly, cant afford one and lastly, an accountant with a car seem stupid. stupid because first, u will have to pass through a million ERP, second no free parking, thrid super duper expensive parking, fourth, u either stay in the office or your clien office for the day. all equates to impractical.

i could be a teacher who drive, a sales enginner who drive, a researcher who drive, a housewofe who drive. but an accountant who drives -- well, maybe when i am super duper rich.

accountant. accounting. accountancy.

5k a month is that what i want? sometimes i wonder. i jus wanna be happy.

for now, i jus hope my ALLOWANCE will last me. at least. i imagone the trip fares and lunch and most prob dinner given that u need some entertainment = interaction for the start.. i can faint. my account is sure gg to dip to the all time low. ALL TIME LOW.

anw the previous entry's prob has been solved. talking it out sole it. just like that day during dear's chalet. i think i shocked the rest but i am truly sorry. i just couldnt control at the moment.

2008-05-03T21:37:00.005+08:00

it tok me so long to decide whether to post this entry.

i know there is a difference. recently this thing has been lurking in my mind and i was wondering if i was right. it has cause quite a lot of imbalance to my life.

first, i uds that my parents do treat different kids differently. well, we are all born different. with different temper and emotions.

i thought maybe i took in too much. i tried to be the number 1 best child. it blew me up so much whenever ppl imply that i have been bad. not wanting to help out. but i really isnt.

who call back home on a trip out ith friends to report her whereabt.. i still do that.purpose not because i was asked to but rather i wan my paents to know taht i am safe.

i nvr lie abt my whereabt, i report back when i am gg to be late.

thus things turn out such that when i dun, it became a fault. something seriously wrong.

i wished to help. i went an extra mile to help. but comparatively, though nt the best child thatbhelp their parents with every little thing. i did change and make myself worthy.

guess i still qualify for being an evil child.

the chi doc asked me: do you have worries? are there lots of things you didnt share with anyone? do u take things as it is?

am i really such a person. at an age of 20 i really listen to everything if not most things. where a small episode can blow up to such a big thing. tell me. maybe i am jus still an evil kid. i am suppose to be the well mannered and most dong shi child at home.

expectation is the key.

it might be small, but it really hit me big. it hurts.

.......

2008-05-03T14:24:00.002+08:00

the tax paper has ended. like quite a few days ago.

been to dear's chalet. the BOD stayed and we played the crazy people mahjong for almost the whole night and yup its was rather rather fun. we decided to squeeze like 6 people in a queen size bed and yup it really tiring and funny.

then after that we jus rot our day away playing pool and walking ard.

was super duper tired.

esp after the preparation for a day, then the actual day preparation, then the mahjong session, then the not enuff sleep.

wonder what mine will be. i would have more people i guess. or maybe i jus dun invite too many ppl since my relatives would have alr been like close to 60? expenses will be high. definitely.

yesterday i went to metro sale alone after an unhappy episode and got myself 5 pieaces of clothes for PA. more to go man. really lots more. the idea that i need to spend is really yucky. cant bear to part with my $. haha. but retail therapy is fun. cant wait to be able to spend as freely as i want to on the things i wan. like suviving on 200 (the most) a mth is something raather impossible now since the prices of everything is rising. i am doing this and yesterday clothes would have been alr 70. wooo..

the unhappiness has ended and i am welcoming a whole new experience. i will trust that it will work out right. PA is approaching, i jus received the details -- 51/2 day week, location: nearest MRT Little India, allowance 600 (NOT net amount, must minus off all those days and hrs that you are not working.. *(&^%&%$%). nevertheless its the experience.

currently i feel so bloated. yet i wanna eat more! and i feel like gg out-- shop shop, see see.. suddenly when everything (mugging) ended, i lost my sense of direction.slacking seem a bit weird. thats the irony of life. but soon i will be complaining abt work.. haha.. feeling abit lazy and stuff. but its jus part of life and well, no harm.

i am still afraid, i guess taht takes time and i really fear the pain once evry month. its has become a 心病 for sure. arrgh.. i hope it wont clash with PA.

lastly, congrats dear for entering the course u wan. finally.

2008-04-25T17:50:00.002+08:00

finally i am left with the last paper.

my horror paper. super scared!

risk paper was ok. nth much from the notes and cases.

hmm i cant wait for monday to come.

scared to the max

after exams. then thats PA. lots of shopping need to be done.

then there is gg to be lots of fun which i hope.

4 weeks.

the rest PA.

i wanna have a good break from school.

2008-04-24T14:22:00.003+08:00

demotivated to the max.

and this is rather bad.

i guess is the result of banking too much on the coy law paper, that didnt turn out prefect.

and the endless tests that are of the open-book nature.

i cant figure what to memorize and what not.

plus those poor fingers of mine.

i think they have been vv much abused.

i wanna be weak and not turn down the doc's offer of giving me a memo

that will give them some good rest with the more time allocated.

i realized trying to be strong is not a good choice afterall.

i cant wait for the exams to be over.

oh ya.

i decided to try a new chinese doc. well, i have to resort to this treatment while i wait for my 'challenge' in July to be done. he did instill some confidence in me.

i am glad.

his few simple questions really set me thinking. suddenly i just felt a total stranger sitting within me - i no longer know myself well enough.

was it because of what's happening ard me? or just because of the way i am brought up in?

well, there is still no answer to all those questions.

or maybe its because i did rather not admit that i actually knew what's going on.

imbalance